Month: January 2022

The toughest thing about being a parent is having to sit back and watch as your kids go through hell. Of course, hell is relative and what feels awful to them may seem meaningless to you. I’m in a situation where our horrors align. My kid is going through a terrible moment in time and I am fairly certain that all I can do is listen.

I have very vivid memories of the first few weeks at Iowa State. To begin, I was a walk-on football player. That meant I was invited to try out by the coaches but I wasn’t known to anyone who was playing and didn’t have a scholarship, so I wasn’t living with anyone from the team. Try to imagine walking into the gym for initial evaluations. Everyone is doing their 40yd sprints and shuttles, etc. and here I am, this gangly black kid in the heart of white-ass Iowa alone and even more alone because the handful of people who look like me and want what I want are treating me like I am not even there. It got worse when I showed some speed, because then I was competition. People had to stop and think, ‘is he trying to take my spot?’ I was, actually. I wasn’t trying to do it maliciously, because that isn’t who I am (outside of video games) but I did want a chance to play and I hoped to start one day. So, to quote Imagine Dragons, “Uh oh, the misery. Everybody wants to be my enemy.”

My kid is a better player than I was. He has more raw athletic talent and more drive and determination. He earned a varsity spot as a 14 yr old sophomore. That means everything I talked about in the paragraph above is magnified. Except in my story we had leadership that worked hard to mold us into a family (oh, and I caved under the pressure and quit, btw). In his story he doesn’t have that. All he has is a room filled with hateful boys who don’t appreciate anyone or anything but themselves and cannot accept that he is ahead of them. Oh, and in the absence of a head coach they’ve decided to get downright violent about it.

So, I have a hard time standing idle the more I learn about what is going on.

I ran the numbers and it doesn’t look good for the Giants. We simply don’t have the cap room to get a big-name QB like Deshaun Watson, which also likely means we won’t get Coach Flores, who, it seems, is part of a package deal with the erstwhile QB. So, it makes sense that the Giants have interviewed Dan Quinn as a possible coach for the team. It also makes me wonder if the 3 GM choices are already onboard with the Quinn hire, because that is happening before a GM is in place. Questions abound…

Who is the 3rd person interviewing in the in-person second round for the G-men? Adam Peters of the SF Niners. Peters is only 38, which means all of the interviewees are no more than a year older than, well, Tom freakin Brady. That says something about what the Giants are trying to do here. Go young and go for an entire new approach. What I wonder is who is going to remain from the staff and players when the smoke clears.

Some Thoughts:

1. This is an exciting off season, because the regular season offered Giants fans absolutely nothing but despair.

The Giants are interviewing Joe Schoen again. That is serious business. It makes me feel like they may be taking a step forward in this process in a very exciting fashion. The only other listed candidate for a 2nd interview is one who fulfills the Rooney rule mandating a face to face interview with a minority candidate. That sounds like Schoen is going to be the guy. If so, he’s highly regarded throughout the NFL, and at 42 he’s young enough to get the current culture and build out from and around that. I think he has the chops to shake things up and, with the right coach, head for a 2 year turnaround. I think that coach is Dolphins coach Flores. He made a sad sauce Dolphins team look legit this year and got fired because he didn’t vibe with management. Everyone knows that situation was not about on field performance but more about not supporting the GM choice of players.

Meanwhile, my kids are trying to be patient and discover who their next High school coach is going to be. I personally have no idea. I have only one candidate that I don’t want running the program, because I do not feel he is the guy to lead a team to the next level–the top talent and lifelong family level. I don’t know that this is even what the team wants to be, which worries me. In truth, the coach who quit did so because the district wouldn’t let him upgrade facilities despite fundraising and wouldn’t let him bus in players (and some really good students) from areas where they are already coming to the school but not bussing to the school. The fact is, the best programs are always going to be ones drawing in players from around the state and our little program does not want to do that. They want to rely on the small patch of talent they have. They want to act like the band matters as much if not more than the football team. This is not the way to a top program–at least not a top football program. Whomever the new coach is, I hope my kids can still experience quality learning and play that gets them to the D1 level.

I went back into the wonderful sprawling realm of Emil Torath today and thought and learned more about biomes and how those things impact population and resources across a world. This had not been forefront in my mind, but I am designing this realm from the ground up and I want it to make sense. Moreover, I want it to be playable. I’d love to see my creation expand into a roleplaying game setting that people may enjoy and build their own stories in. It sounds like a lot of fun to develop and it is–on the surface. It is also extremely difficult and demanding to learn everything about a world and craft and edit as you go.

I am at the point where I am building both the world and its illustrious history while trying to carve out space to tell stories. It all started with a story I wanted to tell, and now I fund myself building up to that point in the story world and trying to gauge who exists in this world in terms of people, places, alliances, religions, etc. All of this is great fun, but a world is built from characters as stories too are built from characters, and I’ve been slow to develop those characters that populate the story I want to tell. As I move forward I am focused on developing those people and building the world around their will, as it is the will of people and how they got into specific situations that drives our world and shall drive this story.

So… I am definitely sick. I’ve been run down the entire day and that has led to a very low performance/low energy day. We were primed to go on a fun date and I just couldn’t get my heart into it. It sucks. It sucks being the let down and I don’t want to feel like this any longer. At least I am shifting to being more productive again. I realized that my novel was published and seeing it up there on Amazon.com left me feeling, well, good. It reminded me that I can get stuff done and I’ve been at this long enough that I should get more done. I’m excited about the next steps and excited about the possibility of more writing and being a better version of myself. That all starts with being healthy–mentally and physically. I’ve been struggling mightily in both departments for a while now. So, let’s get right.

Part of that is healthy habits. This means better food in the body, better schedule of how and when I eat as well. It also means a number of mental routines. I have to sharpen the steel of my mind in order to produce. I have to get (and keep) my butt in the chair and I have to get back to loving the things I do professionally beyond writing. I have to get back to loving being a teacher. I have to only play what I enjoy playing and don’t overdo it in any specific game. I all but quit APEX because it stopped being a fun and brief distraction. Madden has become more of a ‘revenge seeking’ situation than fun as of late as I cannot seem to recognize how to see the field or do anything beyond cheap glitch plays… I want to play it to be good and play it for the joy of reading coverages and enjoying the game. That hasn’t been happening. Minecraft… well, I haven’t sunk in hard like I want to, so perhaps a break there as well. In general it seems time to dial back the game setting and dial up the writing and pondering and research settings. I need to get back to that sense of balance I often write about.

I’m sick. I know it and have no real sense of how or what this sick is. I can say this: I don’t feel like me and I am tired and run down. This blog will be less than as a result. Of course, it has been less than most days over the past 400+ so… Enough deprecation of self. Lets just get right into…

Some Thoughts:

1. The Bills kicked the crap out of the Patriots. That ‘don’t pass’ game really backfired. It’s been one-sided since then. The Bills scored 47 points and recorded like 48 sacks. Not really that many sacks but every time I flipped over to the game Mac Jones was on his back. It was a beating for the ages and one that suggests the Patriots will be coming for blood next season. In the meanwhile, the Bills look AFC championship game bound.

Good Friday. Not the best level of production but I did figure out that pesky minecraft villager in the desert problem (I actually didn’t realize I needed to feed them to breed them) and I plan to make a villager producer building to ensure I always have villagers in this desert burb. I also played some more of the Madden season on Ps5 and was none too surprised to see I sucked. I could not get the Giants moving hardly at all. We beat the Jets, but that is simply normal. The team is 3 and 3 and I was trying to use a glitch offense, which hardly seems to work. If I am to do this it will have to come by way of good old fashioned skill. Oh, I did publish some classes and start gearing for the professional life a bit. I spend so much time on hiatus that it is odd to be back in the swing–or at least getting there.

That brings me to the point of the blog: I need to get moving. I need to get moving as a writer and I need to get back to a purpose-driven life. I live in a house of leisure where all 5 of my boys exist to play games and watch anime. They have no lasting sense of purpose beyond finishing the game or show of the moment, and that impacts me deeply. I am used to being around people who grind. I grind when I am in that kind of environment–which is to say I have little motivation to get there on my own. This is an unfortunate side of me. The other side is the highly competitive guy who grinds when the people in my circle are grinding or if I have a deadline. Presently I have no deadline–not even a self imposed one, so that has to change.

Funny how this blog always winds back to change… and football. I guess that is a large part of who I am.

Next Gen really exposes how bad the Giants are. Still, the magic of free agency and creative cap management creates for a lot of opportunities. I followed the Giants initial crappy season (this present season) with another 3-14 egg but I added a QB who turned into a Superstar and Devante Adams. Then I traded both of them for a crap ton of draft capital! Yeah. That happened. The rebuild is officially on with 4 first round draft picks turning into a new starting QB, RB, DT, and Safety. The rest of the capital went to Wr and other backups. I rebuilt the line through the draft, improving measurably (+6 rating) in almost every position. Things could go well for us this year, depending on how the new signal caller and skills mesh with the offense. I built around a multiple zone run scheme and added vertical threats to compliment that run game. I surrendered Barkley to free agency knowing of the massive cap tax I was taking on in order to dump long contract talent. I’m in ‘wait it out’ mode with a few of the players (L. WIlliams included) but for the most part, things look good. We have a future and it could be quite bright!

Some Thoughts:

1. Madden is a pleasant distraction. I stopped with Minecraft because the town I built my new castle in is in a desert and the people keep dying because of sun resistant Zombies–no matter how many Iron Golems I drop in. Beyond which they refuse to reproduce at this juncture and I just find that sad. I have a heavily populated city not far from the castle, so odds are good that I continue to build out this castle, and say BAH to the city.
2. All this is to say I am not writing and that needs to start TOMORROW

So, I lost the ‘ship. Not bad for a guy to go from 4-10 and 6th place to the ‘ship. I could’ve done better but I made two bad calls. First, I played Kittle the first week of the championship and he did terribly. I knew I should’ve started Mark Andrews. Next, knowing I should start K. Vaughn (as the only healthy Bucs RB) I decided instead to go with M. Carter of the Jets while also using the Bills D. That was not smart fantasy football. Add those lost points and I would’ve won. In short, I was outplayed by my kid. Still, good for him. He came in with the one seed after being laughed at all season as the guy with a wack team who had no chance. He showed them all wrong. I believed in him… Perhaps too much as he beat me. I learned a lot about being fluid in the roster and not relying on the big names so much. I had opportunities to grab late season stars and didn’t. The kid did. It led to wins. He deserves the cash he won and I am proud of him.

Meanwhile, the mid kid is flipping out because his High School coach got fired. I get it. He doesn’t know where he stands. This is what happened to me in college and I wound up leaving football and regretting that choice for, well, ever. He needs to stick his foot in the dirt and brace for whatever fallout happens from this and then get back to work. he has a legitimate future, and I want to see him achieve all he can both academically and athletically. He’s a star and could be a D1 kid in two years.

Some Thoughts:

1. About to start another Giants rebuild but this time using the newly acquired PS5 Madden. Let’s see how that goes.

My partner came up with the term sidequest to define my habit of diving into a deeply involved but generally meaningless task right before I need to be doing something far more important. It fits. Hell, it ought to end up in the book version of my life (which will be far more interesting than my actual life should it ever come to be written). In fact, it ought to be a blog of its own… which is is today. But I digress…

My present side quest is to fix the shower in the master bathroom of our second home. To be clear, no one actually uses this space. The shower has never been used (or fully cleaned) the entire time we’ve had this attachment home. The purpose of the home is to provide two additional bedrooms, a storage space, and a game room. It does quite well in that regards. Still, I’ve slowly been messing with the back bedroom (otherwise known as the master) in search of purpose. I have considered using it as a workout space, a sexy getaway for my partner and I, etc. I don’t have a real need for that space and especially not the bathroom, but it looks like crap and I made the mistake of looking at it before, well, before the semester starts.

So of course I had to fix it.

Here’s what I learned: Leave plumbing to the professionals! I’ve taken a few days now to replace the rusted shower head (and pipe that goes to the wall) and having done that I got a wild hair to replace the drain… Upon which I discovered that the drain was either never properly installed, deteriorated over time, or I straight broke trying to unscrew. Also, screwing in a new one means uninstalling the entire shower. Not gonna happen. So, tomorrow I’m going to learn how to use caulk… and jury rig parts to fix the blasted thing back to a state of usefulness. Wish me luck

Some Thoughts:

1. Didn’t publish the blog again last night. For a guy trying to get back into the groove I am definitely realizing how far out of that groove I actually am.