Month: October 2022

I’ve spent a lot of time on planes over the past week. This is my second flight in as many days and I’ll be back on another tomorrow. Such is the life I’ve started to live. The life my partner and I want to be engaged in is one of exploration and discovery. Truthfully, it is the sort of life I think I always wanted. I want to go everywhere and then take the kids to the best places – and even some of the not so great ones as a way to show them the world is theirs as much as it is ours. I’m sure this is the best way to take advantage of what I am calling American wealth. 

American debt isn’t so far in the rear view that I cannot see it. It haunts me daily, and I know there are still bills to pay and work that needs doing in order to effectively continue this new lifestyle. In fact, once I end this blog I’ll be shelling out the appropriate funds to get the internet connection to not only post this blog from a plane, but to plan and post the online classes that need to be refreshed by tomorrow. 

This is the way.

I’ve said that a lot lately; each time a signpost of what I am doing right or wrong. This path is what I am choosing to see and use as the way forward in what remains of this beautiful life. 

Some Thoughts:

1. Travelling with the boy to see the Giants take on the Seahawks. Hoping for a G-win. 
2. Yes, I’m that corny.
3. What do you do in a city when you only have one day to sort out the place?

I’ve been giving a bit of thought to picking up some land in Tennessee to go alongside the new family’s plot. Could I, a black man of a certain age, live in the backwoods of Tennessee? Yeah, so long as I keep to my own land and don’t try to rustle up too much trouble. Gotta stay humble in places like this which are so homogenous.

But do I want to own land here? I want to own land and have something to pass down to the kids one day. I want to own a bit of land I actually want to be on. I like the idea of adding acres to the existing property because of the history here and the ability to grow some of that myself.

Some Thoughts:

1. We will be missing half the boys this Thanksgiving, and given the mounting injuries, it might be for the best. No Turkey Bowl.
2. Gotta think about the fact that both boys who’ve gone through HS football developed knee injuries. Third one is starting next year. He’s built a bit different, but not all that different.
3. Giants @ Seahawks tomorrow. Excited to go to my first Giants game.

I think it is time to start trending in opposite directions. On the one hand, I am not so much engrained in the philosophy or as up to date as I mean to be in the way of the futurist. So much more is happening now than I know, and I don’t take the time to do the proper research. As such, I need to be doing so. At the same time, I really do want to write that great fantasy epic before I shed this mortal coil. Doing so requires me to actually build the world. I need to develop it to the point where I can see it and I know the history, and I know the peoples of the world, in order to shape characters who are based on that history and not some fanciful riff on what has been done thus far. The beauty of the Malazan book of the Fallen is that it accomplished that neatly. That is the path I seek to take.

So, I am really trying to accomplish two things at once. I’m trying to write stories about the future and about a fantasy past and do these things in parallel. It is a tough thing and one that requires time on task, and that is clearly the one thing I have yet to truly sink into. But why?

Not sure about that entirely. Yet I have thoughts.

The Joke has a new area code. Today the Giants traded Kadarious Toney for pics. He went to the KC Chiefs who’ve been in need of a game breaking WR this entire season. New meme: F-It the Joke out there somewhere. Yes, but will he play? I suspect the hamstring stuff was at least partially real and a result of Joke not knowing the script and not feeling the plan to manage his snap count. Daboll is straight forward: You gotta earn reps. That old school thinking has led to the scrappiest Giants squad I’ve EVER seen. Not the best–they don’t have the game changing Linebackers or a single remaining WR who can be relied upon to catch the ball, or a Tight End who earned the right to start, but they’ve got PLUCK.

With the Chiefs taking it easy this week I’m left to consider other teams to discuss at the wire. The Ravens take on the Bucs tonight, and Brady is staring at the future of the QB position. Fortunately for him, the Bucs have a serious LB corps. That will slow Lamar down, but it won’t stop him. BAL over TB.

Denver is a really really bad team with a QB who is over, but doesn’t know it yet. JAX over DEN

CAR over ATL is tough to call, but I’m doing it. I think this young PJ Walker led squad has a ton to prove and that will be the difference.

DAL over CHI. I mean they just dumped a key defender for what?

MIA over DET. This DET team keeps having huge games and losing.

MIN over AZ. No faith in the Cards.

NO over LV. Two teams that should be dope but are not. Expect points.

JETS over NE. Yeah, I’m calling this one for the JETS. Crazy, right?

PIT over PHI. Coming off a bye into a game against a 2-5 team desperate to show what their D can do, I see the Eagles losing in a low scoring affair.

TEN over HOU

WAS over IND in the battle of the replacement QBs!

SF over LA in the real debut of McCaffrey.

BUF keeps rolling over GB

CIN keeps rolling over CLE

I think it is time to lend some credence to the idea of the relief pitcher position in football. Not all teams need a Hienicke to come in and save the day, but those who do seem to jump off the page in those situations. PJ Walker also fits the scenario as do guys like Nick Foles. All of these QBs have seen success in recent years. Others, like Geno Smith and Tua are best cast as system guys who, in the right system, might just be golden. I am prepared to add Daniel Jones to that list, because in the Giants system where he is asked to play a Lamar-style role with his arm and legs, he is seeing massive success. That being said, I would LOVE to see the Giants move on from DJ to LJ if possible. Putting Lamar on the Giants would change the team and make that offense nearly unstoppable.

They’re pretty stoppable now–at least through the first three quarters. Then it’s the league’s best offense and Defense you’re forced to contend with. The comeback kids have done it so often and so smoothly that the game really doesn’t feel like it is out of reach ever. That being said, I was super worried about the Jags game being a trap and exposing our weakness to speedy/shifty RBs. It did, and Kenneth Walker will do more of the same this weekend. I’ll be there to cheer my guys on in the (80% probable) rain and the (49 degrees) cold where the ball and the hits will sting just a bit more.

Yeah, I’m saying the Giants pull this one out. Close, but yes.

Other matchups around the league deserve attention, but that is a conversation for Waiver Thursday….

Some Thoughts:

1. Marble League is BACK!!!!

Tune in tomorrow for Waiver Wednesday when I’ll brag a bit about winning and talk a bit more about how I hope to secure a good playoff spot. Today’s talk is focused again on the idea of place, purpose, and passion. As I continue to spend time in these woods I am finding myself in a space in which I am not entirely focused on games, but am making time for all of what matters in my life. This is the simplicity and hard working existence my partner craves and I have actively shunned for quite some time. I’m enjoying every moment of it, and even finding ways to settle in and strike a balance of what I do. Heck, I’ve even put in some time on games–couple of hours on Clash Royale to be sure. It all has me thinking about what life is and should look like when I get back to the desert and that vapid routine of existence.

I need to decide how much time to devote to things. I struggle with stillness at home, because there is so much available to do. I can always be gaming, so instead of stillness I default to that, or to listening to a book, or cleaning up after the kids, or writing, or working. There’s less to do here but doing it fills more hours . That is worth considering.

Above all else I need to establish a locked-in daily routine that provides space for variance in terms of when it starts and ends. Having routine things to do each day settles me, and forces me to reflect on life in a way I don’t often lean into. I have a few more days to figure out what that looks like.

Time away from the distractions of games and the lifestyle of gaming that exists in my daily home is good. It allows me to see and think about a life that isn’t that chunky soup of sadness. I think it is important to have things going on in life vs. merely at work or that decadence of only having the next gaming session to worry over.

I am in a place where the culture is work. The conversation is work. The lifestyle is work. In this place, on this farm, we think about the daily chores as a way of life and we revel in them and in the calm that is associated with that work. Hobbies, if you can call them that, are building and creating. We’re building another house here, and that is the hobby. We’re shifting wood to be able to have a fire tonight and that sitting by the fire is a moment in time we look forward to creating.

As I take a time out from that to write the blog and to consider the writing I’m to be doing, I am thankful for the opportunity to experience this. It is not like this at home. It is difficult to develop a culture that is only you and your partner, despite the 4 others living there and sinking into their own contrasting culture. In truth, I live between the two cultures, which creates a reality where my calm-driven partner feels alone quite a bit of the time.

I feel whelmed here. I feel overwhelmed at home to the point that I shuck off my responsibility in favor of games. I think there is a greater truth in this that I’ve yet to unlock.

Out in the woods with the family on the ranch and enjoying the trees and the weather and the stillness. While the place is a hotbed of animal activity, the human content is dialed down so low that I can hear the neighbors singing from acres away. I need this. I need the balance of the city bustle and crazy with the distance and (relative) stillness of the woods, which is as much of a part of me as the rest of it, despite growing up a hard core inner city boy. What works best about this is the connections we form with people–with family. It is a way to be honest and open and enjoy the habitat without major distractions.

Still trying to watch that game tho.

Some Thoughts:

1. It does me no good to be studying the internet for information about the patellar injury possibilities. We won’t know the reality until the MRI, and once we get that done we will be able to figure out next steps. The hardest part right now is acceptance.
2. I’m thinking this is the best place to write. When I talk about the balance of the words and the work, I find that this situation works best for me because I’ll be able to feel accomplished and work hard and feel like there is a space for me to go away from the sameness and crazy of the world to separate and write. The office should be that, but the people in our lives–our children–are not-so-tiny meme engines that push out that crap at a horrific rate and living in that stew makes it hard for me to focus. It took not being around it again to realize that. With us all under one roof, I’m noticing it more, and I am noticing how weak I am in terms of my distractions… I give in to them far too easily and quickly.
3. Happy here. Looking forward to the days ahead.

Last night I watched my son try to make a play on the football, stick his foot in the turf, and suddenly go down writhing in pain. It was a non-contact injury that, upon first look, appears to be related to the patellar tendon (often associated with Osgood-schlaters). I of course thought it was another kid with an ACL injury–because it runs in the family. Instead it may be patellar, or LCL, or something else. The swelling followed. As I stood beside him on the medical table I watched him trying to hold in the pain and the emotional pain of seeing his season crash to an end. He struggled this season, and now it feels like this moment may be the end for him entirely. He could (should) miss his track season if this is a tear or a break, which severely tests his chances to get an athletic scholarship to go along with the academic one his grades should afford him. This is life changing –at least in the short term but perhaps even longer depending how it all turns out.

So, now what?

We are in the wait and see mode. He gets the dreaded MRI next week, and from there we will get a diagnosis and move into the treatment phase. Who knows how long it will be until recovery.

Life is war? Not exactly. Not at all, really. When I hear the stories of people who’ve been involved in actual battle or been bystanders or adjacent to horrible events (I’m thinking specifically about my French student who survived a terrorist attack by fleeing into the sea) I recognize how different from the drama of daily life this is and how unfair it actually is to complain about this life I’ve been blessed with. This is, however, not to say that there is no room for feeling sad or that the truth and energy behind those feelings can lead to hopelessness and even suicide. This is to say that both of these things are true, namely because of the fog that descends upon you when you’ve locked yourself into your own reality and the importance of that reality and the tiny and often nagging indicators of trouble within.

I live good.

I could live a great deal better. I could deal with things that bother me better if not for this fog of life that settles over me and makes me able to tolerate the daily routine and even come to appreciate it. The fog makes change feel bad. It makes me react negatively to slights by my kids and it allows me to settle into ruts that, frankly, are destructive in every possible way. Lately I’ve been letting work gather like dust upon my office floor. There is no rhyme or reason to this other than this is what I do when I am here. My partner has been working hard to change that–fighting against the culture of a household that is dedicated to leisure and the pursuit of sameness at all costs.

I need to choose what I want my life to be and have the courage to generate the energy to break free of the Fog. I need to get up and get moving and get myself right. I am getting too old for this shit.