I am in the woods with my partner. We are in a cabin/house situation and not camping or even ‘glamping’ though those things do and will come at a later date. Despite the thick walls the cold is radiating in towards us and I am drawn to it; to the beautiful view and to the hot tub waiting on the outside deck. This is a sort of paradise. This is a sort of life that allows for such things.
I am a lucky soul. I am dealing with a lot in my life and all of it is a life I can handle. Last night I re-watched As Good as it Gets and was reminded of both the beauty of language and words and the complexity of humans and human interactions.
It is times like this that I see myself laid bare. The facts are as such: I have not been the best version of myself as a teacher. I have not been the best version of myself as a partner. I have not been the best version of myself as a writer. I have never been the best I could be as a father. These are truths I often shove down deep and act like they don’t matter as I continue on in this degraded fashion.
So, who am I now? I am a man of more than 45 years who takes a little white pill every morning to control hypertension and listens to his heart jackhammer in his chest every night before he goes to bed. I am out of shape and overweight, though I am not too far gone in that direction to feel that getting right is out of reach, so I feel, foolishly, that it is okay to wait longer because I can always get it right. But I can’t. The degradation continues as a manifestation of my inability to take action.
But there is good in me and there is the ability to be better and to get better and stronger and do more. So, let’s get it and stop talking about why I’m not.
Some Thoughts:
- Talking in the 3rd person is bad for everything.