10 Minute Rule

In a never-evolving pattern I am feeling swamped due to the pressures of the semester catching up to me, and a big change lingering on the immediate horizon. I am late on writing and I hate that feeling. My editor definitely hates that feeling, so I need to get write and fast. It isn’t coming as fast as I’d like…

Oh to be a kid again and the only problems and aggravations be the internet and whether or not my dad will let me watch the game instead of bogarting the remote… Yes, I do that, but only when the Giants are involved. I gotta say, 5-1 is a pleasantness I can get with.

Holiday season is approaching. It makes me happy to see it arrive, though I am not quite ready for the relaxation and joy of the season. Too much on the mind lately. Too much about work. Too much about life. I ought to be shifting back to writing being in the top two and I will, but it is still taking time to get there. I am trying and it will happen–the flood will come. Until then…

Some Thoughts:

1. Yet another day of not publishing the blog. I hate turning on the computer and seeing it there unpublished.
2. Lord of the Rings: Rings of Power is enjoyable. Good world building.
3. I am going to need to dive back into Emil Torath, because that is a story I want to tell before I pass from this reality. It is also (perhaps more so) a story I want to know.
4. Picked up a book on fantasy and science fiction by Orson Scott Card. He’s a good one. He does a solid job of building a world into and out of a single story. He clearly has a lot to work from in terms of the Mormon faith he learned early on. I am presently studying religions in order to see how we all think as a species in need of a savior and a purpose.
5. Before all that, I get to watch the Giants play tomorrow. Totally primed to see what happens, and I will be okay with any outcome save a Ravens blowout.
6. Truth be told, I’m excited about seeing the upcoming weeks of football, which will feature a live game for me! I haven’t seen the Giants live in nearly a decade.
7. Speaking of live and alive. Tua might not be for long if he starts week 7 like he is slated to… Meanwhile Bridgewater isn’t even starting week 6. That tells me all I need to know about how coach feels about that guy. Imagine if Tua were cleared? You know he’d be right in there. Bridgewater isn’t trusted or lacks the set of skills needed for that offense. The rookie? Not sure he’s very good.

I ought to be freewriting. I ought to be working on the short story that’s come due. I ought to be doing a lot of things I haven’t had quite the oomph to handle over the last few weeks. I’ll be getting to those and more over the next few weeks. My mind is very slowly cycling back to function and with that I ought to be able to churn out some decent fiction.

Yay!

Some Thoughts:

1. What, were you expecting more? Well, I did say cycling back as in an action being undertaken.
2. Moving is another action slowly being undertaken. I’m hoping to get it all handled this weekend. I’m truly tired of things being as they are. This also entails taking another shot at getting the internet service right… Sigh.
3. In the meanwhile my mind swirls at the possibility of actually being settled and not entirely stressed out. There is only so much stress a person can take before they go right off the rails. I’ve had my share.

If I ever collect these blogs into a novel about writing (and life, i.e. King) I am going to need to devote a chapter to writing through pain and misery. Only in the last few weeks have I been giving serious consideration to what is required to upkeep my mental health. I spent years of my youth in therapy and all it succeeded in doing was tamping down or masking my anger and subconsciously convincing me to go into counseling later in life.

Lately that anger has emerged like some long buried foe. It is largely self-directed and it consumes me. I am angry about how my life is turning out, how my relationship is turning out, and while I should be able to use all that–channeling it into words–I cannot. I’m too close to the emotional hurt to do anything more than try to escape from the self-loathing and pain by playing games. Perhaps I could find a way to use this to help people who are going through this as well. Perhaps their anger is outward–which while different, may not be easier.

It’s Wednesday, y’all! That means another opportunity to talk about the New York Giants quest to be above .500 this season! Real talk: They have a legitimate shot to win this game. I don’t know what the Landon Collins plan is yet, but I know that Wink knows a scheme that could work against Lamar and that is key to the entire affair. There’s been absolutely no news on that front. Still, I am excited to see this thing unfold.

In other games, expect Chicago to win over a hapless Commanders team. They may have some of the nicest uniforms in the game, but the team is crap and will be crap so long as the offense lacks chemistry. Here are some other picks from around the league:

SF over ATL

NE over CLE

NYJ over GB

JAX over IND — why IND can’t beat JAX ever is beyond me…

MIN over MIA — rookie 7th round QB is not giving me Brady vibes.

CIN over NO –No Hill house this week.

TB over PIT

LAR over CAR

SEA over AZ

KC over BUF
This is the game of the week by far and it deserves more attention. I think Buffalo’s only weakness is the secondary. They are raw and young and Mahomes is truly that guy. As a result we are looking at a high scoring affair, which inevitably ends with Kelce scoring the winning TD. Hopefully Mecole gets his this week. I know Diggs will.

DAL over PHI — That Cowboys D tho.

LAC over DEN

Some Thoughts:

1. Older people really get sucked into politics more than younger people. Is that because we watch the news?
2. Which leads me to this: Who is Tulsi Gabbard? My cynical self took one look at her, read the snippet of text, and quickly decided that she intends to join the Republican Party A la Trump in order to run as his running mate for president!

I remain hamstrung by the idea of ‘what if?’ Or perhaps the ideology of ‘what if?’ keeps the now from being fully realized. Or, maybe it is all just a nightmare from which I lack the ability to wake up. All of this adds up to the fact that I have become a writer that comes to the page to escape rather than the one who seeks out the page to tell–no transmit–stories from elsewhere. Moreover, the stories I tell lack the human blood and sweat of the moments I am enduring in my natural life. So, all in all, the words are ringing pretty hollow right now when they are ringing at all.

I am afraid to tell specific kinds of stories for fear of what it might break in the real world. Emotions running high, and patience threadbare, it doesn’t take much to set off an endless war.

Blogging first thing in the morning is good–unless you wake up cranky, which immediately makes that morning blog bad. However, I started the thing, so here we go.

I’ve been thinking about three key aspects of this brief human life: State of mind, physical health, and mental health/outlook. The three are tied together. State of mind may be key in all of them. I woke up today with an extremely negative outlook. I expected my partner to be sullen and distant. I expected that there would be a modicum of work that needed to get done. I expected the kids to be groggy, distant, and generally dissatisfied. I expected that my real estate situation would remain in a strained limbo. All of these expectations built upon a limited night of rest, which built upon a day in which my brief moments of joy were tempered by what was, essentially, a horrible day.

I did not expect knee pain.

So, when I woke up in pain and already teetering on the edge of a bad mood, the pain thrust me over that edge and I began rolling towards where we are now, which is a man waiting for more shoes to drop, more stones to be cast, and more clouds with a likelihood of meatballs.

Some Thoughts:

1. Lost in all of this desperate sadness is the fact that I located my missing novel! So, I can get back to cleaning that up and putting it out in the world.
2. Also lost is the fact that I am very close to knowing the plot for the new one.

Been experiencing a deluge of internet problems that only point more and more towards the gremlins being back. I don’t want them to be back, but it isn’t really my call, is it? Perhaps my present state of mind on the situation is driven more by a lost novel than anything else. A few years back (2018-19) I was writing a novel about a young shadowrunner being recruited into the Smoker’s Club. I wrote quite a bit of that novel and then lost it. 

The situation stemmed from me spilling champagne on the computer. Or perhaps it was the time it got ran over by a car. It was definitely one of those two. Or maybe it was lost on a specific computer that I couldn’t get to turn on again.. four years and I’ve yet to discover where that novel went. Only recently have I located the chapter outline, which only reminds me more of how much I lost.

It goes to show you: reality doesn’t care what you think it is. It simply is.

Watching the Iowa State game vs. #20 Kansas State as I write this blog. KSU is winning by one, and the game is engaging. The internet makes the experience choppy, as it cuts out when someone else joins the network. I’m learning about the limits of the network in form I’ve developed it. I don’t really have a full understanding of the capabilities of the Nighthawk system, but I know enough to know that it is not enough right now.

The Cyclones are wearing the black uniforms in this critical home game. The black is not new as of the last ten years but new as in post my involvement with the program. Lately I’ve been struggling with the idea of time. New reflects a lot of things, but most of all it reflects how old I am in comparison to how old, mentally, I want to be. Perhaps I am always going to be in my early 30s even as I stumble towards 50. That number is a terrifying one.

Yesterday I played with the kids for over an hour and today I am sore. That is what it feels to be old. Sore, past your prime, mentally run down, over worked, and desperate to have a taste of virility back. At least, that is what it feels like to me.

I am having bad internet issues so I am writing this on a doc with hopes of posting either later or tomorrow. My computer woes as of late conjure the long-buried fear of gremlins that plagued me for most of my life. Once a year or so I would suffer complete computer/electronics failure. This would happen at the worst time, though there rarely is a good time for such things. However, now that I think about it, this has been happening quite a bit over the years. I’ve lost laptops. I’ve lost novels on laptops. These things happen regularly enough that it terrifies me to think about what happens if the gremlins return in strength…

Some Thouhgts:

1. My first born is shining. He’s having a great time in college and linking up with old friends while making new ones. I had my first chance to visit him in his new natural habitat and it went well. We played outside in the cool mountain air and talked and chilled and had a really good time overall. He’s happy and that makes me happy. 
2. I am out of shape. I’ve said this before, but trying to play basketball with college kids as I near 50 is a very very sad place to see yourself.