10 Minute Rule

So, I coached.

I mean I really coached. I was the only coach out there on the field for offense and defense in a 7 v 7 high school tourney and man, I was having fun. This is no longer my life but for a moment it was fun to get back out there and feel that I had the ability to make a difference moreso than I felt all of last season. I was happy and drained and it felt like a proper goodbye. Like that moment I love so much in Love Actually, “Enough”

So I am ready to move on and be a fan to these kids proper like. I can look at what they are doing and say, cool. I can help them get better through an hour at the park here and there but that is not coaching. That is a dad out with his kids. I spent a ton of mental energy thinking about this kind of stuff for years and now I need to turn that energy towards the other more important stuff in my life.

Yep, that does include the writing.

Some Thoughts:

1. I miss the Casinos
2. I miss Peter King’s coffeenerdness. I need to do something to pay homage to that man’s swag again. I need to think about ways to make that Wednesday better for the blog. For the fans and for PK.
3. Speaking of writers named King, next Thursday Stephen King is set to debut a new part of the Stand–a Coda made for the show. I hope it is better than the ending we were stuck with on the show last week. It felt way too rushed to wrap things up properlike.
4. Been sleeping extremely poorly to the point where I messed up my neck again. Not great.

The word of the day is Absolve (to free from guilt or obligation)

Critical Distance

There is a point in the future where everything is okay. Perhaps not okay, but the feelings of it all have diminished to the point where the memories don’t feel like sunburns. There is a point where the good of it all peaks out from the rest and she can remember that loving him was a good thing; a good idea. It doesn’t feel that way now. In the storm that is reflected in everyday they have together it feels like there is no end, no possibilities for anything but this pain and she is flailing and she is failing and she doesn’t want to do this anymore. She wants to close her eyes and drift away. She wants to be done. She doesn’t want to forget, but she wants to stop creating new memories. She wants to stop destroying the old ones and turning everything into a mush of disappointment and confusion. She wants to believe things were once as she wanted to believe they could be.

Then he comes home. He is smiling. He sets down his briefcase and gathers her up into a hug and for that instant the universe is just the two of them. The universe is just the warmth of him, the crinkle of lines around his eyes, the strength of his grip as he gathers her to him. He whispers, “I love y0u so much.” And he does. That much is true and constant. That much lifts her spirits and, to her, feels like a door she can pass through and leave the world behind. She forgets in that moment that they are far less than perfect together. She forgets her sadness. She forgives his way of destroying her. Together they float on for a while.

But only for a while.

I’m debating between riding the low and holding my 10 measly shares in AMC or selling at a profound loss in order to double down on some other action including Doge coin. I truly believe the market is about gambling and betting for or against peoples products, abilities, and even lives. This is a sad truth of the pyramid scheme that is the global financial market. Truth be told: I am on the bottom. Truth also be told, I am doing a lot of this stock stuff either as a fun experiment with the boys, research for writing, or just as a way to gamble away from the very very dangerous slot machines. So, It is not all that bad in the end.

The research matters. The research makes the narrative feel as real as the characters do, and you need both–especially when your hold on the real is so limited as it always feels to be in science fiction.

Some Thoughts:

1. I learned today that a 17 yr old kid I used to give rides home to just died. All I know about the situation is that his heart gave out. He is dead and I’m thinking about what a loss that must be for his family and about how I would feel to lose a boy or my partner or anyone significant in my life. I have a decent amount of past experience with loss but I’ve been lucky as of late. Still the mad march of time suggests it will not always be as such and one of these days the lost one will be me.

I don’t know what to say about this Super Bowl.

It is easy to get lost in all the Mahomes v. Brady stuff. The reality is each can lead their offense to a video game level of points. The real question is what are they facing on Defense? We know that they already played this season and the Chiefs won that game 27-24. However, Mahomes threw the ball 49 times, eschewing the run almost entirely for a passing game that worked to the tune of 462 yards. 16 rushing attempts from Rbs. That is less than the number of completions Mahomes made. Tyreek had 269 yards in an explosive day and the Bucs still have nobody to guard that man. Will he go off again? Well, that is the big question.

What about Brady? He threw 41 times. He threw 2 picks. His offense only ran the ball 11 times from the RB position. These were mirror offenses in that sense and I think that changes on Sunday. I believe the Bucs will win. I believe this because I do believe they have the talent to model what the Raiders did on defense and to force the Chiefs to have to use other weapons–namely the run game. Can they? Sure. But will they? Only twice this season was a RB over 100 yards. It was Edwards-Helaire. I don’t think that happens with this O-Line. As for the Bucs, Brady is gonna make smart plays. He is also going to throw a pic or two. I don’t think that will be enough to overcome the momentum and excitement this first home Super Bowl will bring.

Some Thoughts:

1. EA Sports announced they will be releasing a new NCAA football game based off the one in ’14, but evolved with 7 years of thinking and planning and development. I’m really really stoked!

It strikes me that I could have a very different life. I could have split off at a million different points in a million different paths and each of those lives would’ve been entirely different. These divergencies still exist and so often I feel like A toy ship swirling around a great drain where everything around me is being sucked into the void of nothingness and I am just watching it all go down.

Okay, so what is really going on is that I am struggling to get this new novel in shape. I am certain all of the above plays a role as I am certain that there is an interplay between how I feel emotionally and what I am able to put on paper (which for the last two days has been absolutely nothing). I don’t know what to do in order to jumpstart this engine and get it going again. I’m really in the struggle this week, which is why I am sharing.

Writers go through this. The good ones are able to break down that wall and put words back on paper and get going. Often the task is too big for the writer–even the ones we know so well. George RR Martin has been talking about this next GoT book for so long that the television series already ended the story he is writing and a spinoff is underway. I don’t intend to be him. I expect to write something of worth today. I just need to get out of my own way and get focused on the task at hand.

People will be writing about this for years.

Last night I caught up on The Daily (Social Distancing) Show, taking in an episode where several African political scholars broke down what went wrong in the US and giggled about us thinking democracy was so easy. It hurt. A lot. Yet, it only hurt because they were right. We sit on this political, moral, and economic high horse loudly professing how much better we are than everyone else and yet we fall prey to the same nonsense that everyone else does. Worse: we never see it coming.

Back in 2015 The Daily Show ran a multi-week bit that compared Trump to a African Dictator. Here’s the bit if you haven’t seen it:

I laughed my butt off but I also saw the warning in what was being said. See, one thing a dictator also has is loyal and willing followers. We found out that Trump is in fact everything that bit suggested and the people ate it up. But why? And why is it so hard for people to recognize what he is and take a step back from devout support? I can offer an answer to that last part: Because they are being spun.

We rely on 5 key social institutions for our socialization: School/News, Church, Family, Friends, and Work. I believe you only need to control three in order to control individual thinking. So, if the Church is reframing everything he does as ‘of God’ and the News (which replaces school as your ‘education’ once you leave) is being filtered through Pro-Trump networks, all you need is one more. Now your job is professing how much money you’ll make because of Trump or your family is all Pro-Trump, or your friends are all experiencing the same filtering as you through school/media and Church so now you have 3 by default. Once you get to the point where it negatively impacts you to think Trump is bad, you’ve hit the point of indoctrination. Now you have to go the other way and be a soldier for Trump.

This is tough stuff to deal with. When we see it in other countries we say, no chance it happens here. When we see it in fiction we laugh it off. When it happens to us we pretend it isn’t happening as out country plummets through the floor. We screwed this up and over the next two years leading up to midterms it is only going to get worse. Strap in folks. This isn’t over. This is just the beginning of us coming to terms with how these battles are about to be fought.

Just woke from a rare late afternoon/early evening nap. This is the kind of thing my partner does all the time and she looks 20 years younger than me and is actually healthy. So, maybe she is on to something. I am on to something: A reset. A new way forward. A plan where I figure out how to be healthy and move more and do things that are going to make my life feel more full and energized than not. I’m going to get back to walking the dog. He’s rather mindless on the walk, so I will research ways to get his head right and get us both in a better mental and health state. One thing I will try is making him sit every time he pulls at the leash. These walks need to be relaxed. I need to be able to trust him and I cannot thus far.

Here is one thing I do know: I’ve been subpar on the health tip. I’ve been average on the dedication to writing. I have also been terribly distracted by leaving the coaching realm and looking to replace it with something new. That new ought to be my own health. The rest needs to be writing. The writing needs to be first and foremost.

Some Thoughts:

1. I used to play a lot of Minecraft while listening to audiobooks. I called the experience a minecraft meditation. It represented a way to disconnect from reality and just let myself be consumed by story and creation. A lot of good ideas occurred to me in this fashion. It is time I got back to it.
2. Used and sued are the same 4 letters.. Just stop putting U first.
3. Been using space heaters in the office. I wonder how that is going to impact the heating bill?

Not much to say about the day. I’ve been extremely happy and things feel good in the homestead. A part of me fears the calm before the storm, but that is the same pessimistic part of me that keeps trying to take the reins, so no thanks. Instead I think I will enjoy this weather and enjoy the temporary charm of these puppies before they leave our home forever.

I think I can raise animals. I think I would enjoy a life that featured such a thing. The only hold back is knowing that travel would be tailored around that. We would need to have someone we could trust enough to hold down the fort in order to be able to be breeders of any manner of animal. These beasts take time and energy…

Some Thoughts:

1. I spent a few hours coaching the High School football team today and remembered instantly why I love the game and how the coaching side of things can be extremely enjoyable. I had a good time. It was a good moment. It will take me a few days to recognize the moment is over; let the glow die down and move right past it.
2. The thing about potential is that you could be great at any number of things if you apply your time and energy to that one thing. As I was coaching today I was again reminded that I do not put the time in to know the game and to know the planning the way I need to in order to be a top coach. I should not be out there unless it is entirely what I am about and it is not what I am about. So, in fact it is time to leave things to the people who have that investment. Im still done.

Categorical (miriam-webster.com)

1 : absolute, unqualified
2 a : of, relating to, or constituting a category
b : involving, according with, or considered with respect to specific categories

You switched to the military clock three months ago. Seeing the numbers flip over made the day feel real. It felt like.a reset. You felt like a reset everyday. you needed it. You needed to find a way to realize every yesterday was part of the past and that past grew more and more distant like receding tail lights. The past is exactly that: what happened. It is not what is happening or what is to happen. It is not the guide rule by which your life is set; the wire that leads backward and forward upon which your hook dangles unsafely.

The past is absolute and unflinching. Your future is unset and available. It can change and you can change with it. You only need to decide to do that and you and you only can decide what that looks like.

So, what does it look like? What is the shape of it? Is it the python curve of eternity looping back upon itself desperately until what was and what is intersect at the point where what will be is created? Perhaps, instead, it is also categorical. Perhaps it is available in a way you’ve never allowed yourself to be. Perhaps tomorrow is fresh, new, and healthy. Perhaps tomorrow you become.

The clock flips to 00:00. You begin.

Been on the writing grind this week and getting things done. It feels good. It feels solid in my bones to write and produce and finish and feel like I can get through things and go back to the longer stuff and not fall off the map. I call that growth as a writer. I am officially turning a corner towards my own success. I need it too. I’m broke.

Nevertheless, a corner was turned.

This is the beginning of something really good. This is a space where I think I can start to build up the writing and start creating and publishing in a variety of spaces and perhaps even get back into the world of video game design and scripting. I’d like to get to write for more video games. I’d like to write a comic book. There is a great deal of writing I want to do. Covid-19, as terrible as it has been, served as the Catalyst to be able to do a lot more stuff of this nature.

Some Thoughts:

1. Am I legit too old to get my student loans paid for? I fear I’m one of that nasty 12% who will not be covered by loan forgiveness. Grr….
2. That selfishness aside, it is pretty cool that this could become reality for so many.
3. Less cool is how the Stock market’s biggest Hedge funds have controlled the conversation about what is happening with the market and our basic freedoms to buy stock are being restricted because a dope reddit channel got enough people to game the system for themselves that the big hedge funds started losing money. As I always thought, the market is built to keep the rich in power and not to let anyone in or anyone to manipulate the system. It is a fixed system designed to rise and designed to work best for the oldest players and worse for the smallest and newest investors on the market. So long as they can shut down our buying power, we have no power.
4. In sum: Apparently we are not allowed to choose which stocks we want to go up. There has to be some sort of “market reason” beyond the collective agreements of thousands of investors. Or maybe the problem is that the old money brokers couldn’t use their algorithms to predict this and thus make more off it before we could. All stocks are bubble. This is just us driving the ability to determine when the bubble pops.