Author: admin

I learned earlier today that a High School friend died recently. While it is unclear how he passed it made me think a great deal about suicide and loss and all of the things that exist to separate us from the enjoyment of this brief (yet eternal) experience that is life. It led to me asking myself what I have to live for and why I wouldn’t just end that experience today. My first thought was, unfortunately, responsibility. I have a responsibility to the people in my life.

My first thought should’ve been joy.

My first thought should’ve been more selfish, lending itself to all of the moments I gobble up throughout each day. It should have been about the experiences I accumulate and the feeling I get kissing my partner. It should have been about watching my kids grow up and succeed or watching my puppies grow into dogs. It could have been about the novel I am writing and the joy I feel (and straight up apprehension, but more on that Saturday for tomorrow we freewrite!) coming to the page.

I need to learn how to hold life in my hands and appreciate it for what it actually is. Life is a collection of these moments and an opportunity to have new ones–good or bad.

One part of the games conversation that is lost in most of the narrative is the discussion about of how this captive audience is looking for an anger outlet. We see it. We know, most recently by evidence of the storming of Capitol Hill that people are enraged. No, it isn’t about the election persay. Yes, that is what pushes most over the edge (losing sucks), but it is at the end of a year of captivity which has tested our patience and our relationships and our ability to withstand boredom. It feels like raging is the most important thing to do and perhaps the only thing we can leave the house for and not get yelled at about for leaving the house. But how do we get there? We sit in the stew of anger and narrow viewpoint that is cable news. We allow ourselves to be manipulated, to be pushed in a direction we are all too willing to go in service of people who say they are like us and represent us but do not in any way shape or form represent us. We ally with forces greater than ourselves to become greater than ourselves and to live an existence greater and more meaningful than are ever-shrinking realities.

Instead of losing ourselves in a game we lose ourselves in the Qanon posts, translating that gibberish into reason and outputting emotion in a way that makes us feel powerful. As a result the country we all act like we love erodes from within.

Let us not forget that Trump was quick to try to deploy the national guard to fight BLM protestors in the streets of American cities, but straight out refused to send that same force to defend the capitol from rioters. In the end, the VP needed to step in to get it done. This is where we are–with a person who never should have been elected trying to burn the thing down as he refuses to leave.

Our reality is shaken by a number of factors all colliding. Trump is not the least of them but we, the people, are the largest of the problems we face. We need to get our stuff together and remember what we are supposed to stand for and represent.

Gamerant has a list of the RPGs that take the longest to beat. At the top of the list is Final Fantasy: Brave Exvius with a length of 220 hours. It’s a mobile game. The next closest is Monster Hunter Freedom Unite for the PS Vita, a portable platform as well. That matters to this analysis. In fact, that is largely the point. Games are not designed to be very long anymore. They are designed to be quick and digestible bites that can be picked up and put down at the pace of our modern lives.

I enjoy playing games. My last truly epic RPG was Mass Effect: Andromeda. Love it or hate it, the game drags you in and holds you there through a series of easily digestible side missions that lead you inexorably towards the finale. I enjoy RPGs. Since Covid-19 I’ve been looking for a new one. Before the virus my game of choice was Apex Legends, a shooter that tried (a lot harder than Fortnite did) to weave a narrative through all of that shooting. I didn’t dig into the RPGs because I didn’t have the time. Now all I have is time. All we have is time at home to explore and to learn and hopefully to invent.

I believe there is an inexorable connection between long games and lives not defined by commuting. I believe this is why the majority of games are dedicated to a younger or a non-American audience, because prior to Covid, the appreciation for such things was tempered by the inability to put in the hours needed to truly appreciate the writing and the creating.

We’re home now. We are ready.

Let me start by saying, The Eagles are TRASH.

Not the musical Eagles. I like them. Yes, this is culturally divergent for a black man to say out loud and in a virtual space especially, but yeah. I dig the Eagles music. I hate the Eagles football franchise. These guys straight up threw the game against the Washington Football Team and cost the Giants a playoff spot. This means the Giants have the #11 pick and no actual clout coming off a season where they had sub par players and a new coach trying to institute a new culture.

For the record: I am a Jets fan if only from afar as of late. I mention this because there will be a new coach and he will likely be a coach I have long appreciated (Matt Campbell, Eric Bienemy) at the head of the team. This is important, because I really want to be able to like the Jets for their actions as much as a long-seeded love for the organization. Yes, I am, remarkably, still pissed about the Darnold situation and the team’s insistance to praise him (along with the rest of the known world, though the world is starting to feel like they messed up).

All of that being said, I am absolutely trying to get on track with the work plan and the life plan and the general trajectory of life as it stands. I am trying to find balance. I am trying to find peace in the understanding that I will more than likely be severing my connection with this state (and altering my closest relationships as a result) within the next two years. I gotta get on a good page where I wake up in the morning and make myself better. It has to be the way.

It isn’t. Not yet.

Giants won.

There, now that’s a blog. I don’t know what is going to happen tonight with the Eagles game, but the win says the Giants have a chance. Given the fact that the playoff wildcard would be against the Bucs, I’m saying there’s a chance.

Lots of chances in this new year. Though we are only a few days deep into it, I feel like I am developing a routine in my head that I can put on paper and then put into action.

I am feeling strong about the new year and strong about the number of opportunities available to my family this year. Family is a big word, and I am trying to develop one. I am happy about it and I really want to be able to develop the family I feel I deserve. Life is a gift and the people in my life are a gift–the good and the bad ones. Everyone has a purpose in all of this, so long a I can understand how to learn from the interactions and the relationships.

Some Thoughts:

1. I’m getting old fast. That means I need to do more and more to maintain myself in physical and spiritual and mental life. What does that mean? Gotta start working out for one. Start with stretching at least…
2. Nearing the end of our run binging Entourage. Overall, there were a lot of good moments but the character growth for these characters was especially limited for the Chase brothers.

I really wasn’t done there… So let’s continue discussing this feckless antagonist from afar.

Part II

I put this one in the envelope taped to the back of the drawer, because if you really wanted to the cartridges you absolutely had to look there. That’s where I looked when I came to work for this place. No, there weren’t any handover notes for me, but there was this envelope and inside was the number 7 to show how many cartridges were left. 8 had been crossed out. Now 7 (and I am assuming 6?) are crossed out. I wonder if each of us who pass through the position go through this?

So, the cartridges work with the pen and the digital pad is exactly what you need to start organizing things your way. I won’t give you tips here. Everyone has their own method. I will say that you should absolutely agree with whatever Harold says you should do. It makes him feel powerful. He doesn’t check. He isn’t even the guy in charge of any of it, but when he started he supposedly set up the original system and he likes to let people know that.

His system was terrible. I know you’re probably hearing about it right now. Sorry for that. Just remember: the pay is very good for the amount of work you must do. In reality, you’re probably getting paid to put up with the corporate nonsense and the ridiculous level of self protection that goes into each and every interaction in this space.

I’m not built like that, so it didn’t go so well for me–even from the start. Remember: if something seems off or out of place it is safer not to question and to instead accept it as it goes. As they say on that show about the little green dude with the big ears, “This is the way.”

No, I didn’t follow the way nearly enough. That’s why you have this letter. If you find the next one, you’ll figure out exactly why.

Some Thoughts:

1. Enjoying this, though it has little value beyond excising personal demons. Still it is a good exercise to get those thoughts flowing. It will help me in the long run when I am designing this next novel.
2. Speaking of the next novel, the novella was not well written and I feel I need to return to it during this novel writing process and give it some of that good sauce I am feeling now. Not yet though. Let me get a few chapters deeper in before I can start looking back at other things.

First person today. Word of the day: Feckless

If you’re reading this then I’ve been let go. I left a few of these stashed around the office in places most people wouldn’t think to look but the right people will need to look once they really start to understand how to do this job. This was a good job. Well, at least at first I thought it was a good job. It was rope with opportunity and promise for all of 18 minutes. I know that exact time, because that is when I went to the kitchen and met Harold. After that I came to realize that this place wasn’t exactly what I thought or hoped. In fact the place started to look like a hideaway for people who didn’t really have much to offer to the world outside.

This particular letter is number 7 of 19. Yes, I know there is significance in both. I borrow from fiction a lot. I’ve always felt that fiction is the backbone of our reality. One man’s fiction is another man’s religion, you know?

Well, this one is about Harold. I planted it here, because he will never ever look here. In truth he doesn’t work hard enough to have to consider the existence of this place. Harold is a problem. He is more of a problem because the people who hired him feel responsible for him and thus don’t want to face up to the fact that he’s sucking up all the oxygen in the place and making it suck to be here. If you’re reading this then it is because of Harold. He’s the problem you’ll need to find a way to ignore.

Some Thoughts:

1. The Handover Notes is one of my favorite stories and this moment presented itself as an opportunity to pay homage to that tale. Sadly, I can never find it in print or online… I’d like to read it again.
2. There is more to be said here, but 10 is ten and that is all there is.

It is time.

I thought about titling this blog ‘Once Upon a New Year’s Eve’ but I thought to myself, what better symbol of change and rejuvenation than to turn the dial on this ten minute rule. As of today we are in the 6th iteration of the blog. Some lasted a year, some longer. Each phase change rang out like a gunshot in my life, showcasing the moments that I moved from what I was to what I am fast becoming.

Today I am starting my new novel. Yesterday I finished a novella draft (long overdue) which was not representative of my best work. It felt like the past. It felt like letting go of a way of being, but also felt like me getting things done. In other words it harkens back to an ancient meme and one of my earliest blog statements, “Finally got my shit together.”

It feels that way. It feels like I made it to the staircase to start climbing towards actually being in the sort of life I’ve long intended. Intent matters, but action matters just as much. I am in a space where the words will flow daily, and all that remains is to figure out the where and when. The universe is giving me a lot of time to work things out, and though this 2021 is a bad place to be in financially, it is a place where opportunity abounds and the time to seize upon those chances is available. I am going to struggle–both with the words and the relationships that fuel me, but I know the struggle has a purpose and ultimately both come from a place of love.

So, on this New Year’s eve I write with purpose and promise, looking forward into the future and believing that good is yet to come. The best is yet to come. I believe that my kaizen is growing and I have a chance to decide who I want to be from here forward. Always forward.

Some Thoughts:

1. I love coaching. That being said, I am done coaching youth football as of this day. The mental energy I attached to the endeavor is better spent elsewhere and there are more qualified people than I to be on the sideline. It will take real time for this to settle in, but there it is…

This is the final week of the season for my last of three leagues. I lost in all three. Oddly, I was 7th in all three. 777 though one had 8 and the others had 12 and 16 members respectively. That is not a good showing and wasn’t enough to be a playoff contender in any but the 3rd. That obviously did not go well. Strangely, I was tops in scoring in one of the 3 and right up there in another. It all came down to luck and a few bad picks throughout the season. Apparently fantasy football is a game of inches.

On the Madden front the new season continues. I played the defending Super Bowl champions and lost, because I blew a rather large lead by messing around and leaning on bench players, being too relaxed on defense and trying new stuff out, and flat out not executing down the stretch. We will see them again in the playoffs.

This is how it used to be with games for me. There was always a story involved. It wasn’t just pixels on a screen but characters I got behind and followed and appreciated and this league does that for me. My boys are engaged and I am engaged in the league as well.

Speaking of the boys, the youngest got selected to the state all star squad for 11yr olds. Nice nod for the kid. It involves a road trip to Texas that he will be making without me. That is a first for us both. He needs the nudge. He needs to be on a team where I am not involved, so we can see what kind of player he becomes standing on his own two legs. I feel like he is ready for the challenge.

The sports year has been a strange one. As we careen into 2021 I wonder if the new will be any sort of upgrade from the old. We could all use an upgrade from the nightmare of 2020. It wasn’t just the poorly managed response to the virus either. The year flat out sucked. I am grateful that tomorrow is the last day I need to be associated with it.

Some Thoughts:

1. I’ll be teaming up with The Center for Science and the Imagination and the Critical Distance website next month for an essay jam. The topic is Covid-19 and gaming. Basically I will be writing micro essays over a few days discussing the intersection between the virus and games. I intend to write out my drafts in this space (over the course of 10 minutes, of course) and publish final drafts over there for their collection. Stay tuned!

Cyberpunk is dead.

I had this conversation with my partner this morning and after further consideration, it truly is dead… at least the way it was. Cyberpunk is born of punk ideology and 80’s culture. The reason that it is dead is because the 80s are gone. Cyberpunk was a response to the 80’s, which are 40 years in our rearview window. The young rockerboys portrayed in Cyberpunk 2077 are a response to that time and not to their time. That is what feels false to me and why I am struggling mightily with writing those type of characters anymore.

Dictionary.com defines Cyberpunk as “a genre of science fiction set in a lawless subculture of an oppressive society dominated by computer technology.” Less structured definitions generally include the terms low life and high tech. However, lost in these definitions is the concept of response. What Cyberpunk really entails is that response. So, you can’t buy the hot new phone and don’t want to exist in the structures of the Apple Network? Okay, build your own. Distribute it freely to the people like Cellphone Linux and keep modding as you go. Crispr is Cyberpunk done up to today’s standards. Through a mail order kit anyone can hack DNA. Hacking itself is cyberpunk.

I bring this up, because I write a lot of Cyberpunk, and I feel as though I’ve been trying to bring into focus how that old school culture works with the post-modernism of the corporate culture I write about in contrast. That contrast is poorly defined. My goal moving forward is to better define that contrast in a way that people are able to understand and, well, really dig y’know?

Some Thoughts:

1. The relationship between the drug culture and the punk culture and the idea of cyberpunk is also not being written very well. I ought to get on that, y’know?
2. Not a lot else on the mind in the creative sector. I need to get to thinking about other stuff. I need to get to world building and using this low-work time to discover what is in my mind and furthermore, what ideas I can come up with in order to make more money so that I live good.
3. Write good, they pay good. They pay good, you live good.