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I’m just gonna say it plain: Stephen King is a creepy dude. I just started listening to his newest collection: You want it Darker. I’m not going to talk about that title yet. I am going to talk about the fact that barely one story in I am floored and creeped out at the same time. Some writers have that transcendent ability to reach into a reader and grab them by the soul. He has me. I will finish this story. Maybe I’ll end up not liking it–that happens once in a while. I will finish though. I have to now. He’s done so much on each page to remind me that I need to know how it ends. I’m invested. It isn’t about me but it is about people whose story I care about. I don’t see that every writer has that. I don’t know if I have that. 49 years in and I’m still trying to figure that out.

He did. He knows. Now he just writes. He lives in that place I felt for a hot moment where you can channel the stories through you; that place I strive daily to return to. I want to be able to get there and I realize that you get there by submerging yourself in story to the point where you cannot help but be a conduit for stories to break through into the real world. The stories recognize you and welcome your touch.

I will find that space again. I will try my butt off to get back and stay there.

I picked up this laptop because I knew I’d be over seas this summer somewhere. I wanted a device I could use without having to ask my college before I did anything. There are pros and cons to that level of tech restriction that I have no interest in falling into here. The point I am making is that I prepared and still am preparing for the journey. I made it a focus in my life, because it is a big deal to myself and the Lady Talis to be able to get out of the country for a while and be together without the responsibilities that plague us at home. Also, new things!

Today I am thinking about that transition. The movement from working face to face in the college space to the world beyond our hot little haven. The transition means putting a ton of things in place for my kids to be ready for the fall (one will be leaving as soon as we get back almost) and more importantly the immediate concerns of having smooth sailing classes online over the summer that are ready to start as soon as next week, so we don’t get bogged down in labor intensive and unrewarding cycles of creation.

This is definitely that transitional time. I find myself fixing things all over the house and making mental notes of what I still need to buy or fix before I leave, so when we get back it is to a smoothly running environment. I do these things to feel the coming shift. I want to feel like I am going to be advancing in some way, even if it is to come right back to the moment I just left.

Some Thoughts:

1. Comic Con Phoenix weekend. Good times. A lot of walking that is making my knees mad.
2. Does that mean I am old now?

I guess we can call this a waiver Friday, because I’m watching Drake Football play overseas as I write this. They’re playing against Panama’s national team and are up 42-0 at the time of this writing headed into what appears to be the half (issues with the clock on the feed).

I’m seeing issues across the board with Drake and they are looking every bit the FCS team they are right not. I don’t want to talk negatively about the team but I do want to understand the squad my kid is joining. First thing I noticed: they gave away his number. He was told he could wear 7. There is a seven on the field on the defensive side of the ball. In general the team looks slower than the play speed I expected, which bodes well for his chance to earn minutes so long as he works hard. It could also be a case of playing to the level of your opponent, who is quite terrible.

I feel like Panama came into this with a lot of expectations. It feels like the first time we took our youth team to California tournament and the center forgot how to snap the ball. That loss was tough, and the same thing is happening on the screen in front of me. The only exception is that coach isn’t trying to break the other teams will. He’s going remarkably easy. Perhaps that is the goodwill side of the equation at play. I hope it is. I hope he emptied the bench in the first half. I hope my kid gets a chance to start come fall.

hopes and dreams. That’s all it ever is anymore.

My mid kid graduates tonight. I’m proud of the boy. He’s just turned 17 and is doing all the things to make the last few days of High School a beautiful memory. He’s already done all the things to max out his swag (tassels, award ribbons, etc.) so the walk across the podium will be his moment to shine. I have the camera ready and I am ready to finish putting together the 4th such video of a possible 5. One this one made it to youtube. The making it to youtube isn’t really the point of any of it. The point is to celebrate his moment. That is hampered a bit in this case by the sad reality of how isolated I’ve become over the past decade.

I believe in family. I believe family is the root for creating something larger than yourself as an individual. When I divorced I gave up a lot of family. I give up more still thanks to my relationship with my mother. On a day to day basis I am okay with that. I have the woman of my dreams and live my life quite happily with her. She’s a mother to my boys and hers alike. She and I will walk into that graduation hand in hand. Her boys will be beside us. My mom will be there too. I’m driving her to the thing. However, she isn’t standing by my side. She’s here for the kid only. In truth, she is closer to the ex and her clan than she is to me, which will feel terribly isolating.

I don’t want to make this night about me. I had a role in what is happening on stage but it is about what the kid did and who the kid became through his own habits and force of will. As such, I will work hard to keep the focus there and away from the nonsense of isolation and how those people I mentioned try hard to isolate me.

It is a really strange feeling looking at the AZ top 100 freshmen players and thinking about how many of those kids I’ve personally coached or play with or have played with my kid over the years be it on these elite 7on7 teams or Youth Football or even now at the High School level. They are just freshmen, so this is only the beginning of discovering who has the skills and the dedication to make it to the next level. That being said, I don’t see my kid on the list although they’ve covered 50 of the 100 to be named. I don’t know how to feel about it either.

Though he only played in 5 games due to injury, he recorded 400+ receiving yards, 4 TDs, and two interceptions including a pick 6. Those numbers are comparable to many named in the top 50 already. It does leave me to wonder how the list is chosen, but it also makes me question my kid, his dedication, and where he will wind up this season. The boy lacks confidence. He claims to be confident, but this is really him echoing the good things that are said about him. He is a phenomenal athlete, but like any boy just coming into his 15th year, he’s a bit of a kid. He wants to hang out with his friends. He decides to sleep in on days he shouldn’t. Each one of these behaviors are things he needs to train out of himself in the next critical year if he wants to make it to the NFL. He does. He doesn’t know which position (the glory of WR is better to him right now than the doldrums of playing corner and nobody wanting to try him–that is what I call rich people problems). He still lifts every day. He still is focused on getting bigger, faster, and stronger. He still studies film and studies the game. He just isn’t ? quite yet. In fact, if I could suggest anything it would be to lock in over the summer and make this dream into a reality. He’s due a growth spurt, and at 6’2 already, he’s primed to be maybe 6’4 and up to 180 this summer if he puts in the work. Clearly that size singles him out as a safety (passes the eye test) so we have to wait and see where he lands on the Varsity roster.

Some Thoughts:

1. NCAA 25 is bought and paid for. I did the deal with the Madden purchase, though it is clear that Madden is going to be trash. NCAA may not be trash, but it also may not be all we want. We can’t expect everything. Still, getting anything is dope. Yeah, I wish my kid who plays FCS could be in the game, but maybe next season 🙂

I don’t even want to turn back. I was bowling a bit ago and felt my knee give. The pain that followed was a stark reminder that I am getting old. This is right knee that I overcompensated on for years after messing up the left one. So as a result, this is now the bad knee–so bad that I couldn’t get through two rounds of bowling with my fat booty. They say you should not negative talk yourself, and reading through that last sentence is evidence of why. Over the past year or three I’ve accepted myself as a declining human. I’ve accepted so many negative things about myself both mentally and physically that I don’t think I am even the same vibrant person that I was a decade plus ago. That man was drowned.

Now I gotta build a better me.

Day in and day out I need to be building a better version of myself. One that can get through a few rounds of bowling without near collapse. That is, as most things worth doing, easier said than done. Yet it is as I said, worth doing. It is worth becoming a better, more mindful, more centered, and more understanding person who doesn’t let himself be dragged along by the words and feelings and attitudes of those around him but is internally fueled by the love he gives himself and the pride in what he does. I knew a me like that a really long time ago. I remember him sitting on the floor in his mother’s living room dreaming about tomorrow. I remember his successes and his failures and how he grew from each. I remember how he taught himself things. I remember how he struggled to be better every damn day.

He had the blueprint. It still isn’t too late to execute that plan.

I am watching gray clouds roll over my home backlit by a bright Arizona sun. The winds are stirring now, bringing thoughts of dust storms and dark days. In all of this there is a certain peace. I find stillness to be engaging. It is the interstitial space that forms the next moment. Yesterday was my Day one and here in day two I am trying to understand how I myself have created the next moment.

I had a deep and terrible thought about the concept of time this morning. I realized that I and everyone else in the Universe is already dead. We died billions of years ago. We died yesterday. We died tomorrow. Time collapses like an accordion at the end of the universe, compressing all that was into a single moment, so in that moment we all have and continue to exist. That’s the beautiful part about it–we will always have that moment; those moments in which we were alive. That existence which is defined by our conscious imagination is all we ever can or will have. Some of us dream of an afterlife, and some of us can shape our final thoughts into the representation of that dream, but in the end and at the end of everything we are simple functions of a universe that itself will end someday.

So, I will try to make these eternal moments worth having and holding on to.

Some Thoughts:

1. I decided to have AI help me develop my new 8 week ENG 102 course. Interesting process interacting with AI on this level of creativity. Also fun.

Sometimes the Lady Talis jokingly says, “Are you goign to go blog about it?” Her meaning is clear: I tend to work through my problems online. I especially deal with the fallout of divorce online, focusing on telling these tales through the blog as opposed to penning them into stories I will later publish. The blog feels immediate, and as such the things that bother me the most and are the most present in my mind space wind up here. Over the last few months I’ve been dealing with complacency and failure and doubt and gluttony on a level I’ve previously never faced. I’m living life like this is it–like the end is here and I’ve made it as high as I can.

But I haven’t.

Every night before I go to bed I think about that parable of the Eagles and the pigeons. I think about the idea that if an eagle sees another bird where it is at then it knows it is another eagle. Then I realize how many of the people in my life are not eagles and I wonder if I am a pigeon who thinks he is an eagle. Self doubt can creep into your heart at any moment. Self doubt can kill you.

I learned today about a kid I knew –who used to hang out with my daughter–who hung himself. My first thought was: he didn’t think he could go any higher. He thought where he was was all he could ever achieve and that must’ve fallen apart. Turns out it did. Turns out he didn’t think he had more in him. Believing there is more is how we achieve. Believing we can be better everyday is the start, but doing more every day–doing something every day is the key to building a successful life.

The truth is I’ve been biding time and falling into a pit of sameness, letting the world wash over me and not doing enough to control my own life. I decided days ago that today would be day 1. It has been a decent day; a productive day, but I have so much more in me.

The truth is sometimes we don’t have a choice. The people who are around us are not going to be who we want. They are not going to love us the way we need. They are not going to respect us the way we expect. They are not going to make more of their lives than they want to in the way that they want. That isn’t our fault. How much of our heart, time, and energy we give to them IS our fault and our responsibility to take control of that and create in ourselves opportunities to feel good about ourselves and live our lives in spite of what is around us.

But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams   

his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream   

his wings are clipped and his feet are tied   

so he opens his throat to sing.

Maya said it best right there. We all need to find a way to sing and to shout and to be who we intend to be. We all need to find a way to set our intentions in the storm. We all need to find a way to be ourselves and make the best selves possible in spite of the odds and in spite of the obstructions.

We all deserve to fly to our own heights.

Me, I’m a damn Eagle.

The Yoga thing is working out. I’ve done the workouts for the past three days and I feel primed to keep going. Call it another kind of ten minute rule (ten minute workout?). I will be expanding to more work once this really settles into my body. I’m old. I know it and it sucks. It is a thing I need to be able to accept as I get older, because the only way to be strong and healthy is to avoid the habits of yesteryear and develop habits of today and tomorrow.

Part of this new habit formation for me is the addition of a daily planning session. I previewed this earlier this year with the checklist. I’m entering into a 60 day plan as of tomorrow to see if I can really get myself geared up and functional. Part of that will be trying to get this new novel really churning over the next 60 days–perhaps to the point of a legitimate draft? I already came up with some ideas for characters, which were featured in past Freewrite Fridays. I will need to change some of them around as a result of shifting the novel to a different location. This is all part of the process. Imma right what I know.

Beyond this I am focused on streamlining the writing and the working and developing legit plans to make my classes better both over the summer and in the fall (which will translate into solid spring classes). I am at the point where I need to be more efficient at work in order to devote more time to writing in order to be able to transition out of this state and into whatever is next for the Talisleggers.

I don’t really know what that is yet. I don’t even fully expect to be able to do it in a year, but I want to be ready if we do decide to make that jump. So far the lure of retirement out weighs the lure of quitting. At the same time, it is tough living in a space filled with grown kids who won’t leave and make you feel like a second class citizen. Yet, here we remain.

That’s all for today as the clock winds down to zero. I’m off to play upwords and eat salad.

He stumbled into the app after an hour and a half of what the kids kept referring to as doom scrolling. In his time the only thing close to scrolling was the dirty habit of flipping through channels; pressing his thumb down on the remote again and again until he was back where he started, maybe 300 or more channels ago. There weren’t that many channels on the TV anymore. Well, maybe there were. He no longer owned one. His only connection to the outside reality was the oblong titanium and hardened glass block he held between his hands, flicking his thumb up over and again until the movement felt like a twitch and made his hand ache.

That was around the time he found it.

The app–if that is what it truly was–appeared in the form of a commercial. It occurred to Lawrence that they still had those in this new landscape where the channels never ended but each offered slews of much much shorter programming. The app was wedged between a still photo of a boy holding a chicken in one hand and a baseball in the other and a short video of a woman who was probably hispanic wearing a short skirt and walking out of a building. He didn’t know who she was anymore than he knew who the boy was, but as he watched her for the third time he thought about that brief instant between where a purple banner had implored him to swipe left for more.

Growing tired of the woman, he flicked his thumb in the opposite direction and found the add to still be present. The top of the bright purple screen read: Turn Your Days into Magic! There was an image of a black top hat below it, and below that were the instructions to swipe to the left. He did as instructed. From his experience this leftward swipe usually meant an extension of the front page moment–more pictures, a short video, a quote, often someone relating their moment to God or Jesus or Jordan. In this case it was none of those. In fact, it was a black screen.

He swiped again: Black screen.

There is a familiarity between the various forms of social media; a set of rules a cues that are not dissimilar to the old days of universal remotes. You always know where you are and how to use things based on the buttons. Without buttons, persay, social media relied on visual cues. In the case of side swiping it was always about the number of dots. The more dots, the more times you needed to swipe to the left. Except with this particular page, there were only 3 dots. He swiped 11 times, each one coming up black. He swiped back twice and found himself on the original top hat. This was very curious. He tried it again, swiping fifteen times. At first he thought that he was witnessing a glitch, as he was certain that something happened every time his thumb shifted from center to left. Yet he couldn’t be certain, so he went back to the first page and he decided to switch thumbs.

He did this several times, eventually swiping as many as seventeen times before a quick return to the first page. Never did he reach the end. Sighing Lawrence started to move his thumb up, but something stopped him. He sat there, both thumbs hovering over the purple page with the black top hat. Then, as fast as he could, he swiped left.

There was something there–between the screens. He did it again. He swiped as fast as he could again and again, thumbs working in a dance of movement faster and faster to reveal that hint of white between the black screens. With each successive swipe more of the white was revealed. His hands were moving in a blur. His thumbs felt like they were on fire. Still he kept going, peeling away the black to reveal was was underneath. He did this for a very long time, until finally he stopped.

There it was. The black was gone now and in its place was a white rabbit. The bunny stared at the screen with sullen red eyes and a nose rounded like a button. Lawrence knew what he needed to do next.