Month: January 2021

The recent events have felt more like fiction than the reality we all thought we were living in. The ideas that were once science fiction are gaining a sort of ‘of course’ sense of reality that I find personally troubling. Here are the facts:

1. People are starting to accept the idea of aliens and shrugging it off.
2. People are accepting this reality shaped by Covid and shrugging it off
3. People are beginning to accept the possibility of alternate realities and shrugging it off.

In truth the problem is that we are shrugging things off so quickly and easily. It feels as though we don’t care about anything longer than we can hold it in our brains until the next thing arrives. The problem with that mentality is that nothing holds, nothing matters, and we don’t recognize the significance of the things that should.

Some Thoughts:

1. I want a fortress of solitude, a bat cave, a lair of some sort. I suppose I actually have one and I don’t hardly use the space. I suppose I want a place to work on various projects–the kind of thing I grew accustomed to doing when I was young and I would lock myself away in my room. I have a partner now and feel like that need for absolute solitude is lessened (Lois had free entry to the fortress, Catwoman and others roamed in and out of the bat cave, etc.). What I am understanding about myself is that I don’t want to be alone so much as I want to find a way to cultivate original ideas and press those ideas into service and find ways to explore growing more ideas.

There is a gun shop near where I live that is entirely boarded up. They are still open. I know because the doors were open and they were selling guns when I walked by and business was booming. The boarded up windows are what took me by surprise. My brain, being the conspiracy engine that it is, connected the boarded up windows with the removal of Trump from twitter and the brazen way that many seemed to take it in stride. It all led to the conclusion that there is another mode of communication these folks are using and have been using and the worst is straight up yet to come.

I’m worried. I’m worried that our country has allowed the polarization to get too out of control to the point where it feels unlikely that the center can hold. We feel like a late stage democracy and that is very dangerous, given our position on the world stage.

I’m fearful but I am also hopeful that much of this is driven by what Covid has done to us socially. I am hopeful that once things get back to whatever the new normal is, that the tensions will ebb considerably. I will remain hopeful.

Word of the day is Baksheesh: Payment (such as a tip or bribe) to expedite service

We are working in 2nd person today.

Barter, Man

You don’t want your father to see this. You don’t want to have to explain yourself, not again. The last time he looked at you with those sunken eyes and said nothing. This was worse than words. Your mother had plenty of words. Between her and your friends you could build a bridge to New Jersey with all of the words. But your father said nothing. He would say nothing again if he saw you now.

It is cold outside. The wind moves like a snake between the buildings. It whispers and rattles and you try to bury your head deeper into your scarf to keep your lips from drying out. You knock a 3rd time and finally the man opens the door. He eyes you warily and says, “We are closed.”

It is 5:59 and they close at 6 pm. You say, “Please. I only need a moment to get what I need.”

The man is balding though he cannot be older than thirty years. He hides half of his face behind the door. You think for a moment to put your foot in the door, to fill the space with your red shoes and the slush and muck from the long walk over. Instead you say please again. He shakes his head and repeats his earlier denial. It very well may be six now.

“I have money. I can pay. I can pay just to get in.”

He raises an eyebrow. He says, “How much will you pay?”

I learned earlier today that a High School friend died recently. While it is unclear how he passed it made me think a great deal about suicide and loss and all of the things that exist to separate us from the enjoyment of this brief (yet eternal) experience that is life. It led to me asking myself what I have to live for and why I wouldn’t just end that experience today. My first thought was, unfortunately, responsibility. I have a responsibility to the people in my life.

My first thought should’ve been joy.

My first thought should’ve been more selfish, lending itself to all of the moments I gobble up throughout each day. It should have been about the experiences I accumulate and the feeling I get kissing my partner. It should have been about watching my kids grow up and succeed or watching my puppies grow into dogs. It could have been about the novel I am writing and the joy I feel (and straight up apprehension, but more on that Saturday for tomorrow we freewrite!) coming to the page.

I need to learn how to hold life in my hands and appreciate it for what it actually is. Life is a collection of these moments and an opportunity to have new ones–good or bad.

One part of the games conversation that is lost in most of the narrative is the discussion about of how this captive audience is looking for an anger outlet. We see it. We know, most recently by evidence of the storming of Capitol Hill that people are enraged. No, it isn’t about the election persay. Yes, that is what pushes most over the edge (losing sucks), but it is at the end of a year of captivity which has tested our patience and our relationships and our ability to withstand boredom. It feels like raging is the most important thing to do and perhaps the only thing we can leave the house for and not get yelled at about for leaving the house. But how do we get there? We sit in the stew of anger and narrow viewpoint that is cable news. We allow ourselves to be manipulated, to be pushed in a direction we are all too willing to go in service of people who say they are like us and represent us but do not in any way shape or form represent us. We ally with forces greater than ourselves to become greater than ourselves and to live an existence greater and more meaningful than are ever-shrinking realities.

Instead of losing ourselves in a game we lose ourselves in the Qanon posts, translating that gibberish into reason and outputting emotion in a way that makes us feel powerful. As a result the country we all act like we love erodes from within.

Let us not forget that Trump was quick to try to deploy the national guard to fight BLM protestors in the streets of American cities, but straight out refused to send that same force to defend the capitol from rioters. In the end, the VP needed to step in to get it done. This is where we are–with a person who never should have been elected trying to burn the thing down as he refuses to leave.

Our reality is shaken by a number of factors all colliding. Trump is not the least of them but we, the people, are the largest of the problems we face. We need to get our stuff together and remember what we are supposed to stand for and represent.

Gamerant has a list of the RPGs that take the longest to beat. At the top of the list is Final Fantasy: Brave Exvius with a length of 220 hours. It’s a mobile game. The next closest is Monster Hunter Freedom Unite for the PS Vita, a portable platform as well. That matters to this analysis. In fact, that is largely the point. Games are not designed to be very long anymore. They are designed to be quick and digestible bites that can be picked up and put down at the pace of our modern lives.

I enjoy playing games. My last truly epic RPG was Mass Effect: Andromeda. Love it or hate it, the game drags you in and holds you there through a series of easily digestible side missions that lead you inexorably towards the finale. I enjoy RPGs. Since Covid-19 I’ve been looking for a new one. Before the virus my game of choice was Apex Legends, a shooter that tried (a lot harder than Fortnite did) to weave a narrative through all of that shooting. I didn’t dig into the RPGs because I didn’t have the time. Now all I have is time. All we have is time at home to explore and to learn and hopefully to invent.

I believe there is an inexorable connection between long games and lives not defined by commuting. I believe this is why the majority of games are dedicated to a younger or a non-American audience, because prior to Covid, the appreciation for such things was tempered by the inability to put in the hours needed to truly appreciate the writing and the creating.

We’re home now. We are ready.

Let me start by saying, The Eagles are TRASH.

Not the musical Eagles. I like them. Yes, this is culturally divergent for a black man to say out loud and in a virtual space especially, but yeah. I dig the Eagles music. I hate the Eagles football franchise. These guys straight up threw the game against the Washington Football Team and cost the Giants a playoff spot. This means the Giants have the #11 pick and no actual clout coming off a season where they had sub par players and a new coach trying to institute a new culture.

For the record: I am a Jets fan if only from afar as of late. I mention this because there will be a new coach and he will likely be a coach I have long appreciated (Matt Campbell, Eric Bienemy) at the head of the team. This is important, because I really want to be able to like the Jets for their actions as much as a long-seeded love for the organization. Yes, I am, remarkably, still pissed about the Darnold situation and the team’s insistance to praise him (along with the rest of the known world, though the world is starting to feel like they messed up).

All of that being said, I am absolutely trying to get on track with the work plan and the life plan and the general trajectory of life as it stands. I am trying to find balance. I am trying to find peace in the understanding that I will more than likely be severing my connection with this state (and altering my closest relationships as a result) within the next two years. I gotta get on a good page where I wake up in the morning and make myself better. It has to be the way.

It isn’t. Not yet.

Giants won.

There, now that’s a blog. I don’t know what is going to happen tonight with the Eagles game, but the win says the Giants have a chance. Given the fact that the playoff wildcard would be against the Bucs, I’m saying there’s a chance.

Lots of chances in this new year. Though we are only a few days deep into it, I feel like I am developing a routine in my head that I can put on paper and then put into action.

I am feeling strong about the new year and strong about the number of opportunities available to my family this year. Family is a big word, and I am trying to develop one. I am happy about it and I really want to be able to develop the family I feel I deserve. Life is a gift and the people in my life are a gift–the good and the bad ones. Everyone has a purpose in all of this, so long a I can understand how to learn from the interactions and the relationships.

Some Thoughts:

1. I’m getting old fast. That means I need to do more and more to maintain myself in physical and spiritual and mental life. What does that mean? Gotta start working out for one. Start with stretching at least…
2. Nearing the end of our run binging Entourage. Overall, there were a lot of good moments but the character growth for these characters was especially limited for the Chase brothers.

I really wasn’t done there… So let’s continue discussing this feckless antagonist from afar.

Part II

I put this one in the envelope taped to the back of the drawer, because if you really wanted to the cartridges you absolutely had to look there. That’s where I looked when I came to work for this place. No, there weren’t any handover notes for me, but there was this envelope and inside was the number 7 to show how many cartridges were left. 8 had been crossed out. Now 7 (and I am assuming 6?) are crossed out. I wonder if each of us who pass through the position go through this?

So, the cartridges work with the pen and the digital pad is exactly what you need to start organizing things your way. I won’t give you tips here. Everyone has their own method. I will say that you should absolutely agree with whatever Harold says you should do. It makes him feel powerful. He doesn’t check. He isn’t even the guy in charge of any of it, but when he started he supposedly set up the original system and he likes to let people know that.

His system was terrible. I know you’re probably hearing about it right now. Sorry for that. Just remember: the pay is very good for the amount of work you must do. In reality, you’re probably getting paid to put up with the corporate nonsense and the ridiculous level of self protection that goes into each and every interaction in this space.

I’m not built like that, so it didn’t go so well for me–even from the start. Remember: if something seems off or out of place it is safer not to question and to instead accept it as it goes. As they say on that show about the little green dude with the big ears, “This is the way.”

No, I didn’t follow the way nearly enough. That’s why you have this letter. If you find the next one, you’ll figure out exactly why.

Some Thoughts:

1. Enjoying this, though it has little value beyond excising personal demons. Still it is a good exercise to get those thoughts flowing. It will help me in the long run when I am designing this next novel.
2. Speaking of the next novel, the novella was not well written and I feel I need to return to it during this novel writing process and give it some of that good sauce I am feeling now. Not yet though. Let me get a few chapters deeper in before I can start looking back at other things.

First person today. Word of the day: Feckless

If you’re reading this then I’ve been let go. I left a few of these stashed around the office in places most people wouldn’t think to look but the right people will need to look once they really start to understand how to do this job. This was a good job. Well, at least at first I thought it was a good job. It was rope with opportunity and promise for all of 18 minutes. I know that exact time, because that is when I went to the kitchen and met Harold. After that I came to realize that this place wasn’t exactly what I thought or hoped. In fact the place started to look like a hideaway for people who didn’t really have much to offer to the world outside.

This particular letter is number 7 of 19. Yes, I know there is significance in both. I borrow from fiction a lot. I’ve always felt that fiction is the backbone of our reality. One man’s fiction is another man’s religion, you know?

Well, this one is about Harold. I planted it here, because he will never ever look here. In truth he doesn’t work hard enough to have to consider the existence of this place. Harold is a problem. He is more of a problem because the people who hired him feel responsible for him and thus don’t want to face up to the fact that he’s sucking up all the oxygen in the place and making it suck to be here. If you’re reading this then it is because of Harold. He’s the problem you’ll need to find a way to ignore.

Some Thoughts:

1. The Handover Notes is one of my favorite stories and this moment presented itself as an opportunity to pay homage to that tale. Sadly, I can never find it in print or online… I’d like to read it again.
2. There is more to be said here, but 10 is ten and that is all there is.