I’m taking is back a mere 200 days. 7.179. I was waxing philosophical about the observable distance, which makes me wonder how I really thought I was the guy who could just do that. 48 year old Talis was a different dude. Or was he just the same dude but a little more self aware of his “Hi I’m Ted, and have I told you about how I met your mother?” nature.
I also am beginning to stretch that term into a form of self-understanding. In this regard the observable distance between who I see myself as and who I physically, socially, mentally, and virtually represent as grows by the day. I am, for one, older in reality than I hold in my own squishy brain. I am less talented in many regards than I hold in my own brain.
Yep. I wrote that bit. So now I sit here considering the observable distance between him and I over the last 200 days. I am even older in reality than I thought I was and far less inclined to do the work to reverse course on many things. I’m in the “is there a pill for that?” stage of life, and I have to admit it is quite terrible. I feel like there is real truth to the statement and to the departure of self and actualization of self. In truth, It all boils down to chaos. I wrote that bit at a time where I had moments of self reflection in a controlled manner. Now I feel like I’m speeding towards the future on a runaway train and all I can do is to hold on. I think 200 days from now I’ll look back at this particular post and say, “man, who was I then?”
I’m ready to pause. I’m ready to get to the place where I can collect myself and think about how I spend each day and really truly refine that process and turn it into a life that is sustainable, enjoyable, and good.