Day: March 4, 2024

Trying to find my way into Zen after a 3AM wake up and seeing the lady Talis depart for parts known for longer than I care to consider. Imma be okay. I will be throwing myself into my work in lieu of sleep, which is a common refrain in times like these. I’ve grown out of being able to sleep well without my better half. It is something I feel deeply. It is also something I cannot dwell on because I cannot do anything about it. I am trying to find/discover a sense of serenity and focus. I am trying to discover a way to accept the things I cannot change so that I can focus on the things I can. This comes largely as a result of the awareness that as I age my body is degrading at a faster curve than previously expected. I am doing almost nothing to slow the decline and that is a problem.

Even cognitively I question if I am as strong and sharp as I was ten years ago. That is perhaps worse than the physical decline. I don’t want to lose what makes me me, and the mind is that. So, I gotta go to work on getting right and in shape and on track. Honestly, this is probably just a dip, but I cannot allow myself to think that way or that dip becomes a depression becomes the hole I fall into and never return.

I think I named the thing wrong. It should really be a post about dopamine and winning and losing and feeling like you are going to be losing forever. I feel like that, on occasion. I think it is a standing feeling for people of the video game generations. I think it has a lot to do with expecting rewards to come quickly or at all. It feels like a sharp contrast to being a writer where the reward of completion is constantly so very very far away. So, today I had two goals: Win a round of Apex and Finish a Chapter. I really felt the first one was low hanging fruit, but it proved tantalizingly difficult for most of the evening until right up until this blog. The reward hit of dopamine however was so low that I barely felt it coursing through my system.

The second part didn’t happen. I’m looking at it now on a second screen and lamenting my inability to get it done. Some chapters are a lot tougher to get through, and the dopamine reward for completion ought to be higher. I haven’t experienced that higher reward, but I will say moving through the tough ones make the easier ones just fly. That is a reward in of itself… one I have not earned because I am still staring at these unfinished pages.

I love writing. Hard but gratifying stuff right here.

Slow grind today.

I haven’t had it in me to be terribly productive. Butt is in chair and has been for hours. I got one project ticked off, but when I slid to the next one my productivity vanished. The movement between projects is always tough for me. It has a lot to do with gearing down and gearing back up. I shouldn’t have that problem here, because I was already spun up to do the work I am on right now. However, I find myself in a creative quandary. I think what I need to consider is the idea of being ready to roll into any of these projects. I wasn’t today and wound up flailing around until I decided I might as well write this blog.

The key to being successful on multiple projects is organization. I believe I always need to have something ready to go when I get in the chair. I am working to get better at having those things ready and to be able to roll right into whatever I need to–be it work or writing or whatever. I haven’t been so good at the organizing or the readiness. That’s coming.

Some Thoughts:

1. Mr. Ballen is a solid storyteller. It may be his voice, word choice or some combination of multiple factors, but he makes every story sound so damn interesting. That being said, I would rather watch him than listen to a podcast. There is no reason for this. All I can think is it is because I have grown used to the visuals I can look up and glance at as I continue to listen and type away on my computer as I am doing now.