According to Maslow, I’m in a pretty great spot. His hierarchy of needs charts the needs of humans from the basic function through their highest level–that of self-actualization. Here’s a detailed look at his theory.
So here I am locked and loaded on the first one. The second one is largely handled, though the glaring uncertainty of where I will live post May does linger. Love and Belonging is where I start to show cracks.
In terms of love, I have never and will never be more deeply and fully in love with someone than I am now. That translates to a special level of intimacy that, frankly, isn’t the business of readers. The love of my life is my best friend and my confidant and someone I consider to be my partner. My other friendships are extremely few and beat up. I am not a great friend to the two close friends that I also consider family. Friendships beyond that have always been fly by night and generally tenuous and, sadly, rooted in common activity, interests, or one’s sexual desire for the other party. So I don’t have a depth of friendships or any real family short of my own children, which is why things are breaking down there.
The fracture widens to a chasm when it comes to esteem. I used to be the most confident human being on the planet, but a series of setbacks–especially in terms of love and trust (both personally and professionally) led to a level of self doubt that triggered real concerns here. Let’s be real though: my achievements are legit. I’ve done some great stuff so far. Unfortunately that has not consistently led to respect by others, which has really destroyed my ability to respect people I thought I did and would. Beyond that the desire to get married met with the knowledge that this is not going to happen is a knife wound to the self-esteem. As I was taking my second consecutive morning walk I was processing these things in the framework of what is most important in my life–the very idea of hierarchy that led to this blog.
So, what lies above the fracture? Self-actualization. If I am to get back to the top of the pyramid I need to find a certain peace with the facts of life–acceptance of the things I cannot change. I have to find another outlet for these feelings and needs that aren’t being addressed. So, that is where I am at. Just trying to get back to that place at the top.