Day: October 26, 2017

It is getting harder and harder to watch football. Think about how we structure the game these days. It is becoming more and more like it’s namesake where fans are clearly locked into a team and by that team, a belief system. Once your team starts rolling down the ‘ol hill, what do you do? You watch and support, because its your team and we have been taught that this is the team we watch. Maybe you have a second team–I see that more with younger viewers–but still you’re limited. In truth the league pushes fantasy football in order to create a schema where viewers are interested in what is happening in games other than their own. I quit fantasy football, and now I don’t have much of a reason to watch at all.

Quick review: I’m a Giants fan. My team has one win and six losses. Each loss was heartbreaking and ended in the loss of one or more players for multiple weeks. My team is battling attrition. Before long the Giants will be starting rookies off the practice squad. Wait, they already do.  So there’s that.

Since the season is such doom and gloom, I find it hard to finish a game. That means my Sunday plans do not involve live television. This is a strange thing for a football fan. Even stranger for such an avid fan as myself. I could watch other teams, but I don’t have that baseline investment to care. I only watch the Raiders for Marshawn Lynch. No other player means enough to me on his own to warrant a game watch–especially if the aforementioned player is on or against a team I dislike.

That’s it. All I got for now.

Some Thoughts:

1. Wound up with about 4 hours of sleep last night. I no longer believe that sleep is the cousin of death. In truth sleep seems to ward off death, and the less I sleep…
2. Love is hard and dangerous and leads people to behave outside of themselves in the absence of what fuels them.

I think we best structure understanding through the shared empiricism of experience and expectation. When I study those building blocks closely I see the code for purpose. I see in those the ideas that create what I think my life is supposed to be. What I expect (or learn to expect) and what I experience shapes the idea of why I am. This is, to me, why so many people get locked into a singular track and why so many others wind up lost upon the path and wander off into the woods only to be lost and aimless forever. Me, I’ve always believed in purpose–in what I was supposed to do, but purpose too shifts over time. It moves from what I am supposed to do towards what I am supposed to do now, based upon experience and (no surprise here) expectation. I fear that when you let go of one of those two blocks–one of those helixes in a double helix that is in of itself one half of a double helix–You lose the power in yourself to guide your path.

I don’t know my purpose. I did, for a time. I knew I was meant to teach and in that time of knowing I was driven and dedicated and absolutely certain of what was and was meant to be. After a while that purpose became unclear. I shifted towards a sense of not knowing and my certainty of a great many things crumbled. I was certain of only one thing: It was time for things to change. I resisted in very open and foolish ways and quite terribly damaged my life and my opportunity to be happy not only in the moment but in a lasting constructive way. I didn’t listen to the self. I broke away from the certainty and didn’t allow purpose to reestablish itself. In a phrase, I screwed everything up.

Now I sit in a space where I am listening to the universe, embracing my fears and my present, and I am allowing purpose and certainty to reassert themselves and rebuilding the double helix that is the rest of my life.