Sitting in front of the classroom before the start of class I feel on the verge. I spend a great deal of time riding that verge tipped towards good or bad or something very different–evolution perhaps. I am unhappy, which is becoming more seriously obvious to the world around me. I can mask it behind some of the more mundane maladies in my life–Trump, too much grading, overworked and stressed–but the core reasons are more about where my life is and going. The answer is, sadly, nowhere.
I’m stalled out.
I find myself trudging along quite undramatically and watching the things that ought to form the core of what matters to me start to form cores of their own without me and I, no longer essential, remain a part of things–vestigial.
This is not the entire reality, but it is the piece of it I most recognize and identify with right now. I’m considering closing these things out–separating from what matters to me and accepting that I don’t get to have any of that and trying to find something–anything I do get to have. Of course, there is no proof I get to have anything. That isn’t how life works. We are promised nothing, but we are given a series of chances to get to that personally ideal life. Often we don’t make it.
I didn’t.
So now unto the next part–living in the remains of what could have been.