“Come back to square one, just the minimum bare bones. Relaxing with the present moment, relaxing with hopelessness, relaxing with death, not resisting the fact that things end, that things pass, that things have no lasting substance, that everything is changing all the time—that is the basic message.” – Pema Chodron
I woke up this morning. That’s all. It doesn’t entirely matter how much I slept or how or what I first thought when I rose. I did rise to experience something. As I move into the second day of this search for what fills me I am reminded that life fills me. I know what makes me ultimately happy–what brightens my day–and I get to enjoy that almost every day. I’ve been thinking about this in two ways: In the in between times, and the inevitable erosion of that joy because of what is happening when I’m not a part of that life. Yesterday I reached an acceptance of that latter part. I cannot control what other people do. The very idea of impermanence is the abandoning of the expectation that things will remain the same. I can control how much I allow myself to enjoy the moment. I can control how I filter things in the in between.
I know that this doesn’t make entire sense for a lot of readers (given that I don’t check my analytics, I don’t actually know that I have readers). The basics of the situation is this: The best part of my life is also the hardest. So when I am apart from that part of my life and roiling over what happens there, I need to find a way to be centered and happy.
In truth, that is the wrong argument entirely. This search is about being centered and happy within myself and allowing for the duality of I-happiness and We-happiness to be separate things. As of now there is not much by way of I-happiness and that isn’t healthy. I continue returning to the idea of writing as the singular source of I-happiness and perhaps I return there not out of comfort (I really don’t want to write) or obligation (I’ve published enough that I don’t actually feel a need to succeed) but out of love (I just can’t quit you, writing).
So here we are, searching.
Some Thoughts:
- I am still hopelessly and insanely in love and that has fundamentally changed me as a human. It changed how I view the world, what I see and feel in it, and what I expect.
- I have too been changed by the experience of parents in youth sports. Vicarious living is a serious affliction.