My first day of the happiness search was more like a mourning period. Abandoning an idea that has been your fuel for so long is worse than fasting. It is going off a serious drug cold turkey. A lot of emptiness followed. A lot more emptiness remains. Buddha once said of impermanence, “Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.” So I did and I do. I thought, ‘what makes me happy now?’ I found nothing for a long stretch of time and then my mind wandered into the idea of how it would feel to be buried in story. It could be good. However, thinking about what could be vs. what is has become a rallying cry for depressive thought. So, I cleaned my office and drowned my thoughts in an audiobook.
That worked for a while.
Then the kids were back. Honestly, without them as part of this experience I would not have that present love I spoke of and that alone means that I am not really moving past the need. It is only when all that I love is afar that I can truly focus on what it means to be alone and what is born out of that loneliness–good or bad. I’ll have a great deal of opportunity to explore that over the next few days. In one sense I look forward to the opportunity to grow. In another I am purely terrified of what may come.
Some Thoughts:
- One last chance for the Giants. The kids really want to see the Xmas eve game ($600?!?!) and I really need to see a win before I consider anything. The losses have been so disappointing that I cannot see myself shelling out that kind of coin for more of the same. I’d rather go to the Nintendo store and buy swag.
- It is worth noting that in Madden I added three buffed out made up players and Jarvis Landry to the lineup and the squad still couldn’t do better than 9-7. Hot mess.