Day: October 20, 2017

Dwelling in the past of what was is by far my biggest weakness. I’ve been working on the lasting idea of living in the moment, by which I mean enjoying where I am now and not spending my energy staring into the abyss of what was and what will possibly be. This is no easy task. This is not about planning for the future but considering how the present situation impacts or builds towards future situations. On the surface is sounds like a bunch of nonsense–word stew with a thick bread of bullshit to sop it all up. It works better in example.

Take for instance the idea of this blog. While writing this I could be thinking, ‘what do I need to do after?’ and in that ceding the beauty of the moment of creation to the worry and fear of future action. Another example is a kiss. If I kiss someone will it lead to sex? A mindful mindset would ask, how was the kiss?

So I am trying to observe a mindful mindset and trying to meet the now head on. There is more than enough pain, fear, jealousy, and worry existing in the now to last me a lifetime. I don’t need it to consume the good moments as well.

I’ve reached a point in my life where I don’t want to reach out. In football we have a term called alligator arms. It means that you try to catch the ball without extending yourself, because you’re afraid to get hit. I’m afraid to get burned. After a while you start to expect it. I’ve been burned by just about everyone in my life saved for my kids and the man I consider to be my brother. If I’m being honest I’ve burned him by failing to maintain a decent line of communication. This all has left me in a position where not only do I refuse to reach out, but I feel incredibly shut down as a human. What happens next is part choice, part pain, and part inevitability.

I’m slowly and actively becoming a hermit. I’ve watched myself close off all of the writer support avenues I have. My remaining connections to writing are the classes I teach and the blog I devote ten minutes to each and every day. Even that stopped for a little while as I grieved openly for the fracturing of the relationship that triggered all this. I suppose the lesson to be learned here is to not fall in love, to not give your heart to another, to never ever find your soulmate. Another lesson could be to never screw it up, which I did quite thoroughly. If someone loves you unconditionally, stands by you as a friend through the worst possible versions of yourself, is still madly and passionately in love with you, but can no longer see you as the person she’s meant to be with at this time, you’ve screwed things up.

I no longer believe that life comes with second chances or even that love is enough. I’ve developed alligator arms and I refuse to extend myself in any way. Instead I’ve been closing off my avenues of access to disappointment, staying in the smallest possible cocoon and accepting that life can blossom in small moments but does indeed live on a bed of suffering.