I’ve reached a kind of checkpoint in my romantic growth. I’m at the point of trying to understand why I need romantic entanglement at all. What is it that you get out of a sexual relationship that you don’t get out of any other sort of connection? Well, sex for starters. However, as I stumble forward down this road of experience and understanding I continue to recognize tiny leaps in my emotional growth. Romantic relationships aren’t about sex for me anymore. Sex is a bi-product of love, devotion, and affection. So then what are they about?
This is not an answers blog. Not today. You, kind reader, are walking through the evidence same as I am. I can say that there is a part of me that craves romantic entanglement. At times I feel it is a natural inclination to be with someone who loves you and that you love, but I get all that from my best friend and partner. So again, what am I looking for?
It could be piece of mind. It could be codependence. I’ve spent a good deal of time researching the latter as of late. As with most victims of psychosomatic illness, I’ll fire through a symptom list and pick out the thins I recognize as feeling and say, ‘yep, I am this for sure.’ The tendency allows me to label myself, which allows me to start some sort of self treatment–fixing a problem I don’t likely have. In this case, I see these symptoms:
- A sense of guilt when asserting themselves
- Fear of being abandoned or alone
- A need to avoid the feeling of abandonment
- An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others
- A tendency to become hurt when people don’t recognize their efforts
- Lack of trust in self and/or others
- Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change
- Poor communications
All in all, I sound like a hot mess. I sound like I should avoid human relationships entirely and get a rat. The fix for this mental illness involves similar behavior–limiting and considering relationships, reconstructing relationship dynamics, etc. Only, I don’t believe I have the ailment. I might not even have all the symptoms–not in any deep and chronic way. Some of this stuff is commonplace. I do however think a lot about the idea of loneliness.
I think the answer to my need lives in that idea of loneliness and the safety that someone investing in you emotionally brings. One more of the symptoms I toyed with was ‘An extreme need for approval and recognition.’ I don’t think my need is extreme, but I do want to be noticed and feel flattered from time to time. I want to feel that in a way that makes me think the flatterer is only saying that to me and only feeling that for me. This too feels natural and core to the idea of romantic entanglement. When I lose that in a relationship it changes the dynamic. I think that is a good starting point for figuring out what I’m after.
Some Thoughts:
- Love is always going to be love. Always.