Month: October 2022

The Cardinals are playing in the background, and I am thinking about the fantasy draft my boys and I are about to undertake. We are doing a Legends league in which we will start with a Legends draft and from there focus on solid player development and draft classes from the Owner’s Box. It should be a fun one, with the first season being completely simulated, setting us up for a start with free agency and new team names. One of the cooler parts of Madden is the ability to relocate your squad, and we expect to explore that to the fullest.

Interacting through games keeps us all together. With the first born up in college it is the only way to connect and play on a regular basis. We find joy in each other this way, and I am looking forward to getting it going. As for our last league? I learned quickly that I’m getting old and they have more time and energy to devote to the game and locate the glitches that help them take advantage of me –and each other. The game is largely about glitches and speed anymore, and I lacked both. I won some games, but I only ever beat one of the three kids in that two season sim. Now, with access to players like Prime Time, I expect to even the field.

At least I hope to…

Just time for a quick ten minutes on the wire….

Let’s start with the Cardinals. Futility. This is how I best describe the off and in-season moves made by the organization. They pursued Hollywood Brown as a security blanket in light of the Hopkins suspension. He ruined his foot–only a month or so removed from breaking the speed laws on the 101. He might be out for the season. He might be back for the playoffs. In lieu of him they went out and grabbed Robby Anderson. This man was so disgusted with his QB situation that he got himself kicked off his own team! He might not be the best locker room partner…

The Giants are rolling, and I am super worried about the Jags. They aren’t a wonderful team, but they can sneak up and bite you. This didn’t happen to the Cowboys, because the ‘boys were prepared. Are we? I hope so. Each week has been a dog fight and I expect another one here. I’ll miss this game, but I look forward to a positive result.

Finally, because I am writing so SLOWLY… The Jets. I’m a begrudging fan. I am happy they drafted a Cyclone RB, and even more excited about how well the man is carrying the rock this year. Still, there is something missing. It may be a dynamic QB. They have a young corps of receivers and that should get them wins, but they are in a tough division with the Bills and Dolphins and, oh yeah, the Patriots. I expect a few more wins this season, but they won’t be playoff bound in the AFC.

I’ve been somewhat of a mess over the past few weeks–dragging out the words until the blogs look more like blurbs or tweets that barely satisfy my ten minute rule. I try to remain faithful to the heart of the thing, but the reality of my jittery brain is that I don’t have a lot in the tank. Too much stress.

I am in the final stages of selling my house to a wholesaler. I don’t recommend it. I got into the situation out of a desire to get the process done quickly and at a price that afforded me an opportunity to both clear my debt and to make a little bit of money for myself that I could set aside as a nest egg for investing in land or whatever at a later date. The process did not go as I planned it. I was repeatedly screwed over and watched my profits dwindle at a horrific rate all the while feeling the pressure of the move building. Now I am at the point where it is happening today, I’m not certain I have (or can) gotten everything out of the house, and the integration of the house cat into the new house is going as poorly as possible.

Let’s not forget that after all of the financial wrangling, the nest egg I set aside for myself is only going to be $900. It is not ideal or rewarding in the least, and the stress has made the entire affair feel like work when I meant it to be a joy. I am fully integrating with my partner and that is wonderful, but the process has left me adrift and drained.

This has been a rough start to the week. I’ve felt quite overwhelmed and unable to perform the basic day to day stuff I’m meant to, and I’m hiding into day where I start teaching at 7AM. I don’t feel ready for any of it. Most of that feeling/pressure comes from the new move. This pressure has me messed up again, forgetting to publish posts, and all of the general white noise that drowns out any real thinking and understanding. I just need to get away, get a reset–a HARD reset–and start to think about the things that matter again.

My brother and I talked today about lists. He doesn’t list like I do in terms of oh, this needs to happen today, lists. He writes down everything and then he organizes it in a mental process that is reflective of his brilliance. That way he can sort through the stuff he needs to sort through. I’ve gone listless and it shows.

In a never-evolving pattern I am feeling swamped due to the pressures of the semester catching up to me, and a big change lingering on the immediate horizon. I am late on writing and I hate that feeling. My editor definitely hates that feeling, so I need to get write and fast. It isn’t coming as fast as I’d like…

Oh to be a kid again and the only problems and aggravations be the internet and whether or not my dad will let me watch the game instead of bogarting the remote… Yes, I do that, but only when the Giants are involved. I gotta say, 5-1 is a pleasantness I can get with.

Holiday season is approaching. It makes me happy to see it arrive, though I am not quite ready for the relaxation and joy of the season. Too much on the mind lately. Too much about work. Too much about life. I ought to be shifting back to writing being in the top two and I will, but it is still taking time to get there. I am trying and it will happen–the flood will come. Until then…

Some Thoughts:

1. Yet another day of not publishing the blog. I hate turning on the computer and seeing it there unpublished.
2. Lord of the Rings: Rings of Power is enjoyable. Good world building.
3. I am going to need to dive back into Emil Torath, because that is a story I want to tell before I pass from this reality. It is also (perhaps more so) a story I want to know.
4. Picked up a book on fantasy and science fiction by Orson Scott Card. He’s a good one. He does a solid job of building a world into and out of a single story. He clearly has a lot to work from in terms of the Mormon faith he learned early on. I am presently studying religions in order to see how we all think as a species in need of a savior and a purpose.
5. Before all that, I get to watch the Giants play tomorrow. Totally primed to see what happens, and I will be okay with any outcome save a Ravens blowout.
6. Truth be told, I’m excited about seeing the upcoming weeks of football, which will feature a live game for me! I haven’t seen the Giants live in nearly a decade.
7. Speaking of live and alive. Tua might not be for long if he starts week 7 like he is slated to… Meanwhile Bridgewater isn’t even starting week 6. That tells me all I need to know about how coach feels about that guy. Imagine if Tua were cleared? You know he’d be right in there. Bridgewater isn’t trusted or lacks the set of skills needed for that offense. The rookie? Not sure he’s very good.

I ought to be freewriting. I ought to be working on the short story that’s come due. I ought to be doing a lot of things I haven’t had quite the oomph to handle over the last few weeks. I’ll be getting to those and more over the next few weeks. My mind is very slowly cycling back to function and with that I ought to be able to churn out some decent fiction.

Yay!

Some Thoughts:

1. What, were you expecting more? Well, I did say cycling back as in an action being undertaken.
2. Moving is another action slowly being undertaken. I’m hoping to get it all handled this weekend. I’m truly tired of things being as they are. This also entails taking another shot at getting the internet service right… Sigh.
3. In the meanwhile my mind swirls at the possibility of actually being settled and not entirely stressed out. There is only so much stress a person can take before they go right off the rails. I’ve had my share.

If I ever collect these blogs into a novel about writing (and life, i.e. King) I am going to need to devote a chapter to writing through pain and misery. Only in the last few weeks have I been giving serious consideration to what is required to upkeep my mental health. I spent years of my youth in therapy and all it succeeded in doing was tamping down or masking my anger and subconsciously convincing me to go into counseling later in life.

Lately that anger has emerged like some long buried foe. It is largely self-directed and it consumes me. I am angry about how my life is turning out, how my relationship is turning out, and while I should be able to use all that–channeling it into words–I cannot. I’m too close to the emotional hurt to do anything more than try to escape from the self-loathing and pain by playing games. Perhaps I could find a way to use this to help people who are going through this as well. Perhaps their anger is outward–which while different, may not be easier.

It’s Wednesday, y’all! That means another opportunity to talk about the New York Giants quest to be above .500 this season! Real talk: They have a legitimate shot to win this game. I don’t know what the Landon Collins plan is yet, but I know that Wink knows a scheme that could work against Lamar and that is key to the entire affair. There’s been absolutely no news on that front. Still, I am excited to see this thing unfold.

In other games, expect Chicago to win over a hapless Commanders team. They may have some of the nicest uniforms in the game, but the team is crap and will be crap so long as the offense lacks chemistry. Here are some other picks from around the league:

SF over ATL

NE over CLE

NYJ over GB

JAX over IND — why IND can’t beat JAX ever is beyond me…

MIN over MIA — rookie 7th round QB is not giving me Brady vibes.

CIN over NO –No Hill house this week.

TB over PIT

LAR over CAR

SEA over AZ

KC over BUF
This is the game of the week by far and it deserves more attention. I think Buffalo’s only weakness is the secondary. They are raw and young and Mahomes is truly that guy. As a result we are looking at a high scoring affair, which inevitably ends with Kelce scoring the winning TD. Hopefully Mecole gets his this week. I know Diggs will.

DAL over PHI — That Cowboys D tho.

LAC over DEN

Some Thoughts:

1. Older people really get sucked into politics more than younger people. Is that because we watch the news?
2. Which leads me to this: Who is Tulsi Gabbard? My cynical self took one look at her, read the snippet of text, and quickly decided that she intends to join the Republican Party A la Trump in order to run as his running mate for president!

I remain hamstrung by the idea of ‘what if?’ Or perhaps the ideology of ‘what if?’ keeps the now from being fully realized. Or, maybe it is all just a nightmare from which I lack the ability to wake up. All of this adds up to the fact that I have become a writer that comes to the page to escape rather than the one who seeks out the page to tell–no transmit–stories from elsewhere. Moreover, the stories I tell lack the human blood and sweat of the moments I am enduring in my natural life. So, all in all, the words are ringing pretty hollow right now when they are ringing at all.

I am afraid to tell specific kinds of stories for fear of what it might break in the real world. Emotions running high, and patience threadbare, it doesn’t take much to set off an endless war.