Month: May 2024

Jack watched the alarm go off. He was laying on the bed next to her, the alarm on his side only inches away. He could have turned it off, but he just watched it, pretending to sleep. She groaned and flipped over, pulling the top sheet away with her. He lay still, letting it ring. She turned again, this time back towards him. She shoved him in the back. Hard. He didn’t budge. She shoved him a second time and then a third. After the fourth push, this one with both hands now, she simply gave up. She groaned again, reaching over him to grab his phone. She was naked and her body pushed against his. She clicked off the alarm and dropped it back on the bedside table with a clatter. She looked down and saw him staring up at her. She blinked groggily, groaned, and then settled herself back into a ball on the bed beside him.

Jack got up. He didn’t make any noise when he did it. He collected his phone off the side of the bed and headed towards the bathroom to shower. When he got out of the shower she was fast asleep again. He watched her for a brief moment, thinking. Then he went to his closet. He dressed in black slacks and a white shirt. He passed on the tie. It was a Monday and hardly dawn by now. He found the matching jacket and slipped it on over the shirt. he found black no-see-um socks and a black leather shoes, sliding them on one at a time as he stood. Then with a final glance at the young woman curled into a ball on the left side of his bed, he went downstairs.

From the outside Jack’s two story house looked like all the others on the dusty Arizona street. He had the approved xenoscaping with the two bushes and the one tree that hung too close to the front porch. His driveway was wide enough for two cars but there was only the one, his red Tesla, parked out front. Her car was parked on the street, like it always was.

Some Thoughts:

1. About out of time. The above is just me experimenting. Trying to find my way back into the head of a character I’ve never met before. I’m wandering. Roaming. Rambling even. It is what I do (or used to) to get acquainted with characters. We’ll see more of Jack down the road.

Thursdays I try to reflect on the self–not looking back like on Tuesdays, but a study of health and what it takes to be healthy from your forties to your fifties. I remember about eight or more years ago when I was just cracking into the 40’s a friend who was not doing so well physically told me it was time for both of us to get right. He did it. He became this buff god. He changed to the point where when his health condition caught up to him and he had a widowmaker heart attack, he didn’t wind up making a widow. Two other faculty members I know died this year. I was remarking to the Lady Talis today that maybe he was supposed to be that 3rd, but his choices put him in a better position. My position is not better. I weighed 240 last night, which is way more than my frame is built to handle successfully. I did spend the weekend walking around, and I walked again today, with a brief (no real effort) trip to the park on Tuesday.

None of it is enough. I realize that. I need to get back to walking every day and assuring that I am not the next faculty member to die because of a bad body. It is more than eating habits and exercise though. Stress plays a role as well. My life is teeming with stress moments. I’ve even put myself in bad positions by diving into games like Apex which can be fun but if you really let yourself get swept up, it becomes super stressful when you are not successful. I’m working on habits of mind to get me mentally right on a day to day basis, and trying to establish a daily life that prioritizes feeling good within my own skin and balanced to the point where I am taking time for myself and the ones I love.

All of this is progress of a sort. It isn’t the full picture, but I am making changes and inroads towards change. I want to live a long, healthy, and happy life.

I’ve been following a twitter account by Rich Obert. He’s a reporter for the AZ Central news website that covers local sports. He is also their guy for ranking players. 60 into the top freshman and I haven’t seen my kid. 100 into the top 150 upcoming seniors and I haven’t seen a few of the kids I know to be incredible players and playmakers from back in the day. It makes me wonder where he is getting his info.

Twitter (X), as I noted previously, is a dangerous place. Just take a look at the bottom right corner announcing what is trending. Right now that’s 218K posts that are about Guilty and 24K with the hastag SwiftiesforPalestine. The digital wilds out here for real. So I say this to argue that you cannot fully trust what drops on Twitter. Still, this is the only guy out here making these lists and being treated with gravitas, so what it is happens to be what it is. In other words, we gotta get on the list to get buzz.

One thing I’ve learned over the past 8 years is that the buzz is key. Colleges want good players. Colleges do their homework. Colleges only have time to see the people who catch their eye. Whether or not these accounts and these tourneys and all the off-season noise is enough to create a buzz is still unknown to me. What I do know is that you need to get the right people talking about you. I’ve yet to figure out how to make that happen for my kid. As a result, he is still an unknown.

Maybe it is for the best. Maybe he isn’t completely ready to be the guy yet.

Some Thoughts:

1. Dealing with some legit nerve issues in my neck that have me going tingly or even numb in places. Quite uncomfortable.
2. Completely off the subject, I loaded up Starfield and noticed some legit improvements. Might slide back in for a bit.
3. Also, why do dogs piss on outdoor furniture. You know we trying to sit on that!

Back in 19 I published a blog about perspective reality. Some of it went along these lines:

Merely shifting the angle at which we see something may change how we see that thing. Consider then how emotion can shape reality. I am writing this while watching DMV workers, merely an hour into their shift, approach critical mass. From my perspective their anger and apparent disgust towards customers feels like an overreaction. However, when I consider their perspective from behind the desk, I suspect there may be some legitimacy to that rage. See, I am seeing customer confusion and slow moving tendencies for the first time. They see it 4-5 days a week.

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It got me thinking this turnback tuesday, about how I see things. I mentioned the other day how I slow down and all but stop being physical when I am in this house. I cannot find a real reason for it. There are certainly opportunities to be active. My partner, the Lady Talis, wants to be active, yet I spend time sitting around all day and wondering why my nerve endings are shot.

This is unhealthy and nonsensical behavior. It is also the reality of the space as I perceive it. In terms of self-reflection there is a lot to unwind here. Most of the people in the house are leisure-driven; looking for the next youtube clip or anime or video game to give them purpose for that moment. I check into what they are doing more than I should. Instead of driving positive behaviors, I fall into the ease of negative ones (or at least negative to me in my place and time). So I need to realize how to make changes there. I need to realize how to understand the balance of time in the space as well, as I all too often worry that I am not spending the proper amount of time with my partner. In other words, I feel unavailable a lot, which draws me away from really locking in. Couple that with an inherent laziness and we are starting to talk about a lot of things here that need to be properly unwound.

This blog is a decent start.

I am learning how to channel an understanding of how I understand my reality and use that in order to create a better one for myself and my loves.

Some Thoughts:

1. I am learning to recognize that I have no time for selfish people. As I strive to achieve balance, I see selfishness more and more–especially in my children. I don’t have time for it. I don’t want to dedicate that much energy and effort to people who are merely takers. Where is the balance in that?
2. This comes at the end of a number of events and realized habits that has me thinking that it is long past time I stop overextending myself for people who are not going to be positive influences in my life.
3. I have yet to achieve that balance in life, but as with the personal understanding of reality it is helping me shape my world moving forward.

Among the things I wish to achieve in life is mastering the perfect cup of black coffee. This is elusive, as I am terrible with the maths anymore. However it is not only the so-called golden ratio that is a problem. That ratio doesn’t reflect my taste profile. Therefore I continue to hack the thing in a search for what is right. This more or less sums up my state of being. I continue to hack myself and my habits in search of what is right. I know now for instance that I am a morning person. I do very well in the early AM. 5-8 is golden, though it is unclear if that is simply a time of day or silence of house issue. The later it gets the more likely I am to fall into distraction and adopt the sedentary pose of the home. It is therefore best to get things done early… or not at all.

That brings me to this blogspace shortly before ten AM and shortly before I move into the heavy work phase of the day (which is before I finally get in that dang pool!). Learning is a lifelong process, so I am sure to learn more hacks and continue to reprogramming myself and my habits. Honestly, I am just grateful to be self aware enough to recognize what I am doing and what needs to be done.

Some Thoughts:

1. Watched a video today that appears to have been entirely created by AI. It was a top 5 mysteries video and the voice has the telltale signs of AI generation. The pics are unmistakably chat GPT. The weird ‘not language’ the system uses when trying to put words on the pics is evident. This is only going to become more of a thing. It tells me that the time for the Justice Engine is now.

I’m just gonna say it plain: Stephen King is a creepy dude. I just started listening to his newest collection: You want it Darker. I’m not going to talk about that title yet. I am going to talk about the fact that barely one story in I am floored and creeped out at the same time. Some writers have that transcendent ability to reach into a reader and grab them by the soul. He has me. I will finish this story. Maybe I’ll end up not liking it–that happens once in a while. I will finish though. I have to now. He’s done so much on each page to remind me that I need to know how it ends. I’m invested. It isn’t about me but it is about people whose story I care about. I don’t see that every writer has that. I don’t know if I have that. 49 years in and I’m still trying to figure that out.

He did. He knows. Now he just writes. He lives in that place I felt for a hot moment where you can channel the stories through you; that place I strive daily to return to. I want to be able to get there and I realize that you get there by submerging yourself in story to the point where you cannot help but be a conduit for stories to break through into the real world. The stories recognize you and welcome your touch.

I will find that space again. I will try my butt off to get back and stay there.

I picked up this laptop because I knew I’d be over seas this summer somewhere. I wanted a device I could use without having to ask my college before I did anything. There are pros and cons to that level of tech restriction that I have no interest in falling into here. The point I am making is that I prepared and still am preparing for the journey. I made it a focus in my life, because it is a big deal to myself and the Lady Talis to be able to get out of the country for a while and be together without the responsibilities that plague us at home. Also, new things!

Today I am thinking about that transition. The movement from working face to face in the college space to the world beyond our hot little haven. The transition means putting a ton of things in place for my kids to be ready for the fall (one will be leaving as soon as we get back almost) and more importantly the immediate concerns of having smooth sailing classes online over the summer that are ready to start as soon as next week, so we don’t get bogged down in labor intensive and unrewarding cycles of creation.

This is definitely that transitional time. I find myself fixing things all over the house and making mental notes of what I still need to buy or fix before I leave, so when we get back it is to a smoothly running environment. I do these things to feel the coming shift. I want to feel like I am going to be advancing in some way, even if it is to come right back to the moment I just left.

Some Thoughts:

1. Comic Con Phoenix weekend. Good times. A lot of walking that is making my knees mad.
2. Does that mean I am old now?

I guess we can call this a waiver Friday, because I’m watching Drake Football play overseas as I write this. They’re playing against Panama’s national team and are up 42-0 at the time of this writing headed into what appears to be the half (issues with the clock on the feed).

I’m seeing issues across the board with Drake and they are looking every bit the FCS team they are right not. I don’t want to talk negatively about the team but I do want to understand the squad my kid is joining. First thing I noticed: they gave away his number. He was told he could wear 7. There is a seven on the field on the defensive side of the ball. In general the team looks slower than the play speed I expected, which bodes well for his chance to earn minutes so long as he works hard. It could also be a case of playing to the level of your opponent, who is quite terrible.

I feel like Panama came into this with a lot of expectations. It feels like the first time we took our youth team to California tournament and the center forgot how to snap the ball. That loss was tough, and the same thing is happening on the screen in front of me. The only exception is that coach isn’t trying to break the other teams will. He’s going remarkably easy. Perhaps that is the goodwill side of the equation at play. I hope it is. I hope he emptied the bench in the first half. I hope my kid gets a chance to start come fall.

hopes and dreams. That’s all it ever is anymore.

My mid kid graduates tonight. I’m proud of the boy. He’s just turned 17 and is doing all the things to make the last few days of High School a beautiful memory. He’s already done all the things to max out his swag (tassels, award ribbons, etc.) so the walk across the podium will be his moment to shine. I have the camera ready and I am ready to finish putting together the 4th such video of a possible 5. One this one made it to youtube. The making it to youtube isn’t really the point of any of it. The point is to celebrate his moment. That is hampered a bit in this case by the sad reality of how isolated I’ve become over the past decade.

I believe in family. I believe family is the root for creating something larger than yourself as an individual. When I divorced I gave up a lot of family. I give up more still thanks to my relationship with my mother. On a day to day basis I am okay with that. I have the woman of my dreams and live my life quite happily with her. She’s a mother to my boys and hers alike. She and I will walk into that graduation hand in hand. Her boys will be beside us. My mom will be there too. I’m driving her to the thing. However, she isn’t standing by my side. She’s here for the kid only. In truth, she is closer to the ex and her clan than she is to me, which will feel terribly isolating.

I don’t want to make this night about me. I had a role in what is happening on stage but it is about what the kid did and who the kid became through his own habits and force of will. As such, I will work hard to keep the focus there and away from the nonsense of isolation and how those people I mentioned try hard to isolate me.

It is a really strange feeling looking at the AZ top 100 freshmen players and thinking about how many of those kids I’ve personally coached or play with or have played with my kid over the years be it on these elite 7on7 teams or Youth Football or even now at the High School level. They are just freshmen, so this is only the beginning of discovering who has the skills and the dedication to make it to the next level. That being said, I don’t see my kid on the list although they’ve covered 50 of the 100 to be named. I don’t know how to feel about it either.

Though he only played in 5 games due to injury, he recorded 400+ receiving yards, 4 TDs, and two interceptions including a pick 6. Those numbers are comparable to many named in the top 50 already. It does leave me to wonder how the list is chosen, but it also makes me question my kid, his dedication, and where he will wind up this season. The boy lacks confidence. He claims to be confident, but this is really him echoing the good things that are said about him. He is a phenomenal athlete, but like any boy just coming into his 15th year, he’s a bit of a kid. He wants to hang out with his friends. He decides to sleep in on days he shouldn’t. Each one of these behaviors are things he needs to train out of himself in the next critical year if he wants to make it to the NFL. He does. He doesn’t know which position (the glory of WR is better to him right now than the doldrums of playing corner and nobody wanting to try him–that is what I call rich people problems). He still lifts every day. He still is focused on getting bigger, faster, and stronger. He still studies film and studies the game. He just isn’t ? quite yet. In fact, if I could suggest anything it would be to lock in over the summer and make this dream into a reality. He’s due a growth spurt, and at 6’2 already, he’s primed to be maybe 6’4 and up to 180 this summer if he puts in the work. Clearly that size singles him out as a safety (passes the eye test) so we have to wait and see where he lands on the Varsity roster.

Some Thoughts:

1. NCAA 25 is bought and paid for. I did the deal with the Madden purchase, though it is clear that Madden is going to be trash. NCAA may not be trash, but it also may not be all we want. We can’t expect everything. Still, getting anything is dope. Yeah, I wish my kid who plays FCS could be in the game, but maybe next season 🙂