Month: June 2024

Off to Rome in the morning. Ought to be the greatest trip ever. I am truly excited for this step. I am also excited as I watch the real estate market begin to offer up some real possibilities for the future. That future looks to be in the 300K range. I will certainly need to figure out how to get a loan for an out of state home while maintaining the income (read: job) that gives me that loan. It likely boils down to a conversation with a lender about remote work–something that is common in this day and age.

Moving to Washington hits like an adventure. I can see us getting started next year and really taking control of our lives from that point forward. We still have a home here, but with the kids also here and hopefully paying rent if they are, we can get started on that future.

Some Thoughts:

1. I may be getting way too caught up in the C. Clark WNBA drama. Remember when I did not care? The investment is two part–the first being a sociologists view of a polarizing moment, and the second is legitimately about trying not to take a side, which I have, unfortunately, done. So, I gotta step back and stop caring for real. I read more about that nonsense than I do about the upcoming election. Which one do you think impacts my actual world more?
2. Will a Trump win hurt me personally?. Maybe. I cannot be sure about that, but I am really concerned he will crap on democracy and wreck the country… again… He isn’t good in a crisis.
3. Because a crisis requires humility.

When I pulled up to the Sunday DBs practice my mid-kid jokingly refers to as ‘church’ I saw the coach checking his watch. He looked at it twice and looked at our car in wonder. We were 6 minutes late. This was easily avoidable, but the kid moves slow and shows no regard for other people’s time. This is a habit he is developing and one that is ultimately going to be ruinous if allowed to fester.

I think I like that word for the boy’s habits. They fester. None of them are particularly good. None of them–none of the new ones–cast him in a good light. I fear a lot of it comes from the media he consumes and models himself after. I fear I am not as much of a positive influence in his life as he needs in a world and life filled with negative influences. This is reflective of a failure on my part to be sure. 3rd time is the charm be damned.

I don’t have a lot more time to spend with him this summer before he gets back into school and moves into the hardest of the 4 years (from what his brothers who played say). I don’t think he is nearly ready and I wish I could help him get there faster. I can, on the other hand, be there to help him once he realizes how badly he is failing. Sometimes –heck always– you need to let the see failure in order to embrace the need and requirements of success.

Some Thoughts:

1. Watching Sugar. Not at all what I thought I was getting into.
2. Not watching The Acolyte. Considering taking it on the plane with me though. It feels like one of those series you want to consume all at once and that encourages me to wait. Also, I didn’t watch Andor, and that was entirely because I am not enthralled by the stories that universe is telling in a past that has already been defined for the main characters. The Mandolorian avoided that by keeping him out of the 9 movie series. Andor went hard in the other direction just like Solo did. The Acolyte gives itself room to breathe and create, so I have hopes that they will. Still… it is Disney.

Been having trouble keeping focused and keeping a solid schedule these first few weeks of pure summer. The heat is part of the issue–our AC is not working so well–but the main issue is a level of aimlessness I don’t often have. I don’t have solid deadlines and that is what I appear to need to be in jeopardy of missing in order to be successful. That argues that my motivations are more external than internal or at least argues that my internal compass is shot to hell. I believe the second part to be as true or more than the first, and I still remain convinced I can fix all or some of my flaws as I continue to inch towards oblivion.

To say I am uncomfortable is a misnomer. I am merely restless and insecure in the next steps. I need to ‘get right’ but am not entirely sure of what that even means or entails. Meanwhile I am trying to get this last kid ‘right’ having seen the wreckage of the others and I see that it isn’t working one bit. How can I ‘get them right’ when I am not totally right myself?

At least I am looking forward to what is to come. I have been struggling to develop healthy habits and struggling more to develop shared habits, but struggle is progress, is it not?

Some Thoughts:

1. Been particularly lazy with this latest novel. Hard to get started and get into the mindset of the story for whatever reason. That is a bad sign, because if the writer cannot get it going, can the reader? I ought to just write the fantasy stuff and get it over with…
2. By which I mean transition fully into fantasy and disappear into this created world a la George RR
3. No. I am not there yet either.

Recently I asked my students to freewrite for ten minutes (hey, they gotta do it too) on why they are thankful to be a writer. I didn’t go into it with expectations. I also didn’t expect to do it myself. But it is Friday, and on Friday we freewrite, so…

I am thankful for being a writer because it allows me to visit strange new worlds within my own mind. It allows me to meet and interact with people I otherwise would never know existed. It gives space and shape to the thoughts that fill my mind. It gives an outlet to the feelings that clutter my heart. It separates me from the darkness and the doldrums. I fear consumption. I fear it leaves you dead inside. It can be a wonderful thing if it is balanced by creation. Consumption is the yang and creation is the yin. In my mind and my heart they only work if they coexist, if you allow yourself to experience creation. If you allow yourself to remain a consumer alone your heart closes to the idea of creation and you become hardened against it; cold and cynical; an addict awaiting their next fix only to be disappointed when it doesn’t hit with the impact you long for and briefly pleased when it does.

Creation is understanding. It is a window into how things work and why people sometimes don’t work or work well together. It is allowing yourself to embrace what is possible and pushing yourself to create what you didn’t think was. Story is a connection to something greater. It may be done in isolation but it takes you out of isolation, which is really important for a person like me who is extremely isolated and surrounded by people who mostly are concerned with themselves and their expectations of me and what and who they want or need me to be either for them or around them or to them.

Writing is also longing. Writing is my way of deciding what I want –that thing just out of reach; that imagining of a life not lead. Writing is all of these things and it is more. I’m thankful for writing because of what it does and what it can do and how it makes me feel and how it blesses my life.

I am in the 238 range, which is a start. I’ve started to work a little bit on the body, and believe that with more work–actual work–the pounds will fly off. That’s the hardest part isn’t it? Getting over that hump can be so tough. I’ve been doing it over and over again with the writing but I cannot seem to transform my mind to do it with the body–I don’t make the connections the way that I should. Heck, I get the value of it. I know how much better I will be mentally when I am better physically. I need to turn that corner and get going. I can visualize myself once I am there, but I cannot seem to bridge that gap to the visual.

I’ll make it. I have to.

Some Thoughts:

1. I am blessed to be teaching the material I get to teach from semester to semester. I feel more like I am doing what I want to do in the classroom. There are some spots where I need to be improving to be sure, but overall, the work is solid. I have the classes. I just need to make them better.
2. How long am I here? I don’t know. I just want to sink in and enjoy the moment while I have it. Sure, building a future is key. I just believe in enjoying the present while we build into what is coming.
3. No, I don’t know what that is exactly, but I have some ideas and the outline of a foundation. We need to get the funds though… We know we want to have two or possibly 3 homes. This is a big tall order, but we want what we want. I want to work to get there.

I realized today that my kid doesn’t have what it takes to play at the next level.

This is not an adjudication on his physical talents. The tools are there. He is likely the most physically gifted of the three to play. He is not mentally able to or perhaps not willing to fulfill the requirements. He’s an average student academically, which makes him the worst of all five boys. This sharp contrast with his physical abilities makes the matter all the more disturbing. He, more than the others, has decided on this athletic path as his way up. Only he doesn’t do anything he needs to do in order to get there, and he treats the people around him trying to help him with a mixture of disdain and unapologetic expectation that is going to halt his progress here moving into his sophomore year where, I now expect, he will languish on the JV roster and lose all interest and confidence in the path he has chosen.

This is a really hard thing to say as a father, because it sounds like I don’t believe in him. More to the fact, I don’t believe he is doing anything to help himself out. I believe in him. If I didn’t this wouldn’t even be blog subject matter. I have to hold these two opposing ideas in my head at the same time: (1) He has the talent to succeed at the next level. (2) He has chosen to rely entirely on that talent and not put in the work off the field needed to succeed at the next level.

The problem is, again, what he does outside of practice. What that is, is nothing he specifically needs to do. He doesn’t stretch. He does try to get to the gym and lift more. He doesn’t study. He does watch film clips–mostly on insta and tik tok though. He is not there mentally.

I think he can turn it around. It is only going to happen when he digs deep enough to want it more than he wants anything else–anything immediate. He is not there yet.

I’m full. I ate far more than I should have in this one meal of the day. A also am back to eating once a day which is a really bad look. Here’s what else is a bad look: Me almost not doing this blog because I thought I did it in the morning and didn’t. That hadn’t happened in a while. What unfolded today was and is mostly about being stuck and not really allowing myself to dig deep and get right with the situation. I’m excited about upcoming travel. I’m focused on getting the school stuff handled. I am not progressing as quickly as I should on the other writing that I could. Those are my facts on the ground. I need to get better and get right.

Some Thoughts:

1. nothing to say here either… just running out the clock on a long day.

I’ve come to really love outlining. It makes the process of writing more manageable. It does not work for everything. I cannot outline short stories. I can’t see taking a scene and breaking it down to more elements than what happens in that scene or slice of life. I suppose in a longer length story–say 8k? I could find some space to break it down, but shorter works like the 3-5 I tend to work in don’t have that space. Instead I save the outlining for longer projects like the novel and the RPG writing, which beg to be outlined. In fact, I am outlining today… after I grade and do the rest of the doldrum work that is required of me. Of course, the latest schedule has me calling it quits an hour and a half from now, so we will see what actually happens. I will probably push off the school work and let the writing take lead. It is summer, after all.

Some Thoughts:

1. Yoga artists call a collection of moves a flow. I feel like I move into flows of writing in that same fashion, shifting from project to project by finding the connective points that trigger specific parts of my imagination and intellect in sequence.
2. I’ve been using Lewis Jorstad’s The Ten Day Outline as a guide. A writer is never too old or too good to learn from others. I’m here trying to learn.

I’m watching my kid lose his one chance to be successful in sports. At first I thought it was about glitz and connections and him not getting the shine because he and I don’t have the connections, but it isn’t that. It is purely about him being a 15 yr old kid who hasn’t learned quite yet that he has to go out and get what he wants, because it is not going to be handed to him. This comes as a result of a few different moments this week. It started when he went to a D2 college camp and was outplayed and outworked by the hungrier guys out there. Despite the small camp size he only earned 4 reps. He needs to be more vocal and forceful out there. He also needs work in the weight room to really look the part. That camp ended with a lot of excuses on his part. Given the chance today to get practice in, he skipped. In other words, he let himself down again and further jeopardized his chance to play football at the Varsity level this season.

Coaches only put in guys they trust. I don’t even trust him right now, so I doubt the coaches trust him. He just isn’t there. The boy has all the physical assets he needs to be successful. I am just hoping the mental shows in the next few weeks because he is legitimately running out of time to be successful. Unfortunately, I fear he hasn’t gotten there yet. I fear that being placed on the JV roster will turn him into a kid that gives up on his dream, because he wasn’t handed it easily. He needs to build some fight. He needs to build that mental toughness that he just hasn’t come around to having off the field. Put him in a game, he’s fine. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work like that. You gotta earn that spot and he hasn’t recognized what is needed from a mental standpoint to do that. Again, he’s 15, so he has time. But he doesn’t have that much.

Some Thoughts:

1. While not a sports day, this was a sports post. So be it.
2. I am debating working the gym back into my life come this July. I need to build up to it and make it a regular part of my day. I plan to start with morning and evening pushups, getting back to the daily Yoga flow, and trying out some basic core stuff. That should cover a daily routine. The weights would be a two to three times a week add in designed to really get me right come July. I need it. I’m too old to let this weight stand.
3. Also, I feel better when I am in better shape–both physically and mentally. I need that more than anything.

The people in my home are clinically bored. I’m one of them, though my boredom comes as a relief from a very busy week. I spent most of the day playing video games I’ve played hundreds of times. Still had great fun doing it. Tomorrow is Sunday and the start of the workweek, so back to the grind it is. Work on developing some role play content, work on the novel, work on some other role play content, work on classes, set up a real writing schedule for the summer. This is the way.

Some Thoughts:

1. It is real tough when your kid petitions to drop your last name. That’s what is happening to Brad Pitt. So… he’s the bad guy I guess? I cannot understand why I find it hard to believe fully… or why I care.
2. No longer attending GenCon this year. Next time….