Day: January 15, 2024

Tomorrow is a holiday, which means my classes don’t really start until the day after. I need to find a way to make this last day feel good–not just for me but for my partner as well. Class takes me away from the family life in a way little else does. This is a hard thing when we are both teaching and both distracted by that as well as other things such as the novel, etc. So I want to make sure she understands how much she matters and how everything still starts and ends with her. It feels good to feel that way about another person. I was married and really worked to keep that feeling foremost in my heart when I was, but the truth is I felt like I was the only one working like that and it made me feel not only taken advantage of, but as a secondary character in her main story. That is why it ended. The last (gosh it feels like a decade but it isn’t) has been the exact opposite. I never want to feel that bad way again and I never want my partner to feel that way. It is an ugly and useless feeling to say the least.

As I work hard to get myself right, I am constantly remembering that I am getting right for us. We deserve a better me. My love suffered through the worst versions, so she deserves the best. After all, they do put better in there beside worse…

Some Thoughts:

1. Football was really good this weekend–at least on the pro level. I’ll rant about 7s on wednesday
2. My computer feels like she’s on her last legs. It is 2024 and she’s a 2012 model. Time for an upgrade, but what can I actually afford? Budget is sitting below $500, but I can see how much more cash I can scrape together to upgrade from what is going on now.

The absolute worst place to find yourself as a writer is in bed at ten pm suddenly realizing you didn’t turn in that thing you absolutely had to get in that evening. Here we are in that exact moment. This is being written but shall not be published till the morning because I am not anywhere that I have password access to the site. I’m just trying to get through ten minutes on the basic tech I have available to me. Sometimes it is just that way.

I want to talk about American Fiction without really digging into the acting or anything like that too deeply. It is definitely worth the watch. I do want to discuss the premise in which a black author is pre categorized as someone who must write the black experience and his work is decried because it is not seen as such.

I took that personally. I don’t write that stereotype but for the first time I feel like in these works that are bubbling up inside of me I am writing some version of the oppressed character. It might not always be a black man with a white boot on his throat, but that dichotomy that has and still exists in some form in my life is present. I suppose I am getting around to telling my story on the page.

I don’t know how these next few tales will perform but I don’t entirely care. I’ve been given the chance to be honest and tell narratives I think are necessary and help me grow and undergo catharsis, so I’m putting this stuff out there. I think moving forward every story I make will be some version of the truth, because an authentic author is the best author I can be.