Month: March 2024

Heh.

I sat down at my desk, mind considering the upcoming possibility of using a metaquest headset in passthrough mode to extend my digital desktop in unfortold new ways. When I woke up the laptop the first thing I saw was the unpublished blog. Cheat day indeed. So, I published and now I write anew. It surprises me how often this madness happens. It has happened more since wordpress implemented the double click to publish. I realize the point was to make sure unfinished work did not accidentally go out, but for me finished work occasionally doesn’t hit the web. I guess it is about keeping focus on a project through the end. Actually it is more about recognizing what the end is. The end isn’t the finish of writing but the publication and the check of the published work.

Something to consider on this Monday Morning… also…

Some Thoughts:

1. The ‘trix, the internet, the net, the matrix, the web, the world wide web… the list of names for the digital landscape go on and on. I feel like people exist more in this thinly bordered land than they do in the physical realm. Yet we cannot agree on what to call it?
2. This is vacation week, which is to say this is write my ass off week.

I did not finish a chapter today, which should be the bad news but it is actually good. I am learning that in every work cycle there needs to be a day that is not totally devoted to the work. For me that was today. Instead I devoted myself to the Oscars. I don’t want to put my opinion too deeply into this in regards to who I think should’ve won particular awards. I will say this: I’m Just Ken was a great performance, and Billie Eilish (sp?) might be the most genuine person I’ve ever seen at this level of fame. This is all.

So, back to the writing.

Seriously, I am learning that there needs to be a break in the flow. The 21/90 rule argues you don’t take breaks. However, this and other rules on habit formation do not take into account making that break day/cheat day a part of the habit you are forming. In other words, all of these strategies are suborning burnout. Even this blog (especially this blog?) which is an every day affair that started as a 10 minute habit many years ago has days that are straight up trash because I am burnt out on writing and need an absolute break. This is what leads to rants (yeah, you know I do those) and scheduled blogs about sports and other subject headings that allow me to mentally woolgather so I don’t have to be ‘on’ for that ten minute stretch that day when I know I do not have it in me.

Writing is a tide. It moves with the force of the gravity of your life. You need to be prepared for when that tide comes in and when it goes out. You need to build it into your schedule to be ready for high tide and you need to give yourself the space to accept low.

Ticking off the marks on my to-do list I find myself at the ten minute rule. I am hesitant to write this one today, because it is going to be “political” and by that I mean it is going to strike at people’s beliefs in right, wrong, and ultimately Justice. I am talking about Gaza. Now if you’re someone who is an outsider to the affair as I am, you might see the story as: Hamas military (now further classified as terrorists) brutally attack a music festival in Israel near disputed territory, murdering 1200+ and capturing over 200 as hostages. Why? One article suggests, ” Perhaps Hamas thought a surprise attack would widen political divisions in Israel, upend the Israeli government, and sap the resilience and determination of the Israeli people to prevail, rather than produce the unity and resolve the world is currently seeing.” Well, that was a bad idea.

I am not downplaying the attack in any way. I am also not focused on the sexual and other brutalities that are being claimed as part of the attack. To be honest, the only reason anyone would need to hear more than “1200 dead” would be to justify any response. It turns out the only response we’ve seen is an open assault on anyone left in the region. This includes children. Sure, you can make excuses for why children have died in the war, but that is a near inescapable aspect of war. You cannot just target military combatants in an invasion. That requires a level of precision, certainty, and awareness no earthly army has.

Yet, I am not excusing the 30,000+ deaths on the Gaza side, less than a 3rd of which were actual soldiers. In fact, despite multiple attempts to bury the story, Israel’s tactics have already led to the murder of unarmed Israeli hostages who were waving flags of surrender. Hamas is wrong for the attack. That this was authorized . We know this because Israel knew about the attack a year in advance but their leadership failed to take the plan seriously. This is the same leadership that is now using that attack as an excuse to eradicate “hamas” and seize control of the strip.

Look, nobody is right here. Also nobody appears to have the leadership to fix the problem as a 3rd party. This isn’t going to go away, but it is going to pave the way for darker feelings about Palestinians who are unfortunately being used as a proxy for other forces. We may be on the verge of seeing one of the only sanctioned and accepted cultural exterminations in my lifetime… And nobody cares.

This week we’re focused on 45 year old Jake Harrison, a former high school football player and former high school coach who retired from coaching after two bad seasons in a row and moved on to selling real estate in pursuit of stabilizing his family. You see Texas, like Florida, is serious football country. You don’t just lay ball down there–it is a way of life. Harrison was a standout 5A DivisionII coach. He earned the job from a principal who believed in him and needed someone the school community knew to take over the program after the old HC passed away suddenly. While there were people all over the nation who wanted the job, Harrison was someone the community knew and trusted. After all, he was the man who quarterbacked their only state championship. So, they took a chance.

Harrison did well. In fact, he was a big time winner. His sudden departure from the team after a second straight early playoff exit stemmed from a number of factors, few of which he’s chosen to disclose. The party line is that the game took too much time away from his family. So he needed to step away from the game and focus on his business–the business of selling real estate.

Harrison is a stern man but known to break character and try to have a good time. He is a church goer and a volunteer. On the surface he ticks off all the boxes of the perfect Texan. The real question is: what lies beneath?

I’ve been thinking a bunch about my teaching–specifically about the longstanding issues I’ve had with running a 16 week class. I lose the thread in parts, and I think I good deal of that has to do with planning and how I plan it. I talk about planning the class in 4 week chunks, but haven’t. I talk about doing a lot of things differently, but in the end my work hours go to semi-last minute prep, grading, and making sure I am doing enough beyond the classroom to justify that I receive a salary. If I was an adjunct it would be purely about the in-classroom work, but the expectation of faculty is that you do more. I love the idea of that, but I need to get right in the classroom. No, my classes don’t suck. They also don’t live up to my personal expectations.

I’ve found that a great deal of my life on a daily basis does not live up to my personal expectations. Some of that is due the the conditions and people around me, but if I have learned anything from years of first being in then being a counselor, I’ve learned that I have to accept the things I cannot change and maintain focus on the factors within my control. For example, my current schedule argues that I must produce 1 chapter every two days. Yet, the first thing I did upon waking up was to drink coffee and play Apex Legends. I have a problem. It is one I recognize, but a problem nevertheless.

Some Thoughts:

1. This is random, but going back to an old thought about ASMR. I feel like the issue for me is innocence and intention. The best stuff is either accidental or utterly innocent–meaning without any adjustment towards sexualizing the content visually or in the way of speaking. My problem is that I prefer listening to female voices to relax and the majority of those are licentious. I’m not here for it. I’m left to seek out the rare ones that are not or the handful of really good male voices. Oddly enough the majority of those male voices are foreign. Bob Ross remains the GOAT.

The other day I watched several vitriolic sports fans spew hate at Colorado football. They use too many transfers! They don’t do things the traditional way! They’re too loud! These players play only for themselves! All of these comments are reflections of a deeper and I feel more insidious philosophy that extends far beyond football and is reflective of American principles we’d all rather not discuss. But I’m here for it, and it boils down to the roots of what we call racism.

Let me start by arguing that racism is not about race. It is about belonging and the other. It is about fear. It is about blame and worry. Few people who feel racism deep in their bones do so out of a genetic superiority philosophy. I didn’t fully grasp that until I began to realize how many of these spotlighted racist organizations are often led or shouted up by people of the race they proclaim to hate. Chappelle hinted at this in his first ever skit on his show.

While Bigsby didn’t know he was black, his people did. Just like Enrique Tarrio and others. Al Jazeera posted a wonderful essay on the subject. It is about being part of the in group and about feeling either powerful in your belief and group or about feeling oppressed. Both can be true in different situations. How does any of this relate to Colorado football? Well, the Buffs are not at all about pride in that city or that college (I’m a damn proud Cyclone and they are–once again–conference rivals) it is about pride in Deion Sanders and what that man represents. So too is the hate.

Just recently I watched a post war unfold where a hater Ole Miss fan argued that schools that don’t build from the ground up are destined to fail, because transfer portal players only play for themselves and don’t add to the team culture. Okay, well Ole Miss added 17+ transfer players each of the last two seasons–mostly starters. So is it different because Ole Miss did it? Or is it different because Colorado also exploited it? Arizona state added 31 transfers last year and 23 this year. Nobody talks about them “going about it the wrong way” instead their young coach is being praised for rebuilding the program. USC and other big name schools have been relying on transfers for highlight positions for years without being criticized. Jayden Daniels and Caleb Williams were both transfers and both were treated as if they were not only part of but leaders in the cultures of their respective programs.

The hate comes from a place where people don’t want to see Prime succeed. The hate is intensified because of the spotlight he brings. The more people are forced to see Prime and his family on TV, the more they hate… or love. This polarization is normal. This is what we see with the Chiefs and the Taylor Swift storylines. None of it means that Prime’s Colorado team is going to be terrible or very good. In fact, it drowns any real debate of talent in superlatives and assumptions. What I loved in the beginning of the Prime run was his honesty about where they were. They didn’t have anything resembling a secure O or D line. They knew this and they still came out to compete. Now they’ve gone and recruited some beef–the most important step to being a dominant football program. Now we will see what is real.

The time for talk is far from over. The season is far from beginning. All we can do is wait.. and hope.

Here is a terrible truth I’ve learned about myself: I am influenced by the people around me. It doesn’t matter if they are peers, seniors, or kids. The overwhelming preponderance of a vibe will impact my vibe. This is why the number of people without ambition in my life and in my home scares me. When surrounded by people without ambition it is harder to maintain ambition. In truth, having ambition makes you the outsider and makes it so that your ambition is a hinderance to the lifestyle being led because you are not comfortable with the status quo or the simplicity of the lives swirling around you.

I am struggling greatly with this in my life. I come from a place where everyone around me was grinding. I went from that to a university setting where everyone around me was grinding and I had to grind even harder just to keep up. I went from that to a writing program where everyone was creative and every writer was putting out amazing work and I had to get better just to keep up. I went from that to being a new dad in a new city fighting for a chance to earn a job at a college. I went from that to being the young gun professor at a community college trying to make a name for myself and establish an identity around all of these seasoned professors who’d carved out their spot and name and following. I went from that to switching jobs to a new school where I had to do it all over again whilst (yeah, I used whilst, I’m that guy) raising kids, being a coach fighting for recognition and wins, competing to earn the right to write a novel for an established company, etc.

I went from that to living in a space where the key goal is to work as little as possible and spend as much time as possible in front of a screen either gaming or watching and having no desire to create anything or to do anything that breaks the routine of sameness. Nobody is pushing me to be a better writer. As much as the Lady Talis tries to fill that role, it can only come from within the writing community. I need ambition around me. I need to feel that desire to be more or I become less. I don’t have it in my life at present. I don’t really even know where to find it. I have not cultivated it enough in my own children. I see sparks in a few, but the overwhelming reality is the environment dictates my life and the environment degrades me. Sometimes it takes being away from all of it to see it for what it is.

Trying to find my way into Zen after a 3AM wake up and seeing the lady Talis depart for parts known for longer than I care to consider. Imma be okay. I will be throwing myself into my work in lieu of sleep, which is a common refrain in times like these. I’ve grown out of being able to sleep well without my better half. It is something I feel deeply. It is also something I cannot dwell on because I cannot do anything about it. I am trying to find/discover a sense of serenity and focus. I am trying to discover a way to accept the things I cannot change so that I can focus on the things I can. This comes largely as a result of the awareness that as I age my body is degrading at a faster curve than previously expected. I am doing almost nothing to slow the decline and that is a problem.

Even cognitively I question if I am as strong and sharp as I was ten years ago. That is perhaps worse than the physical decline. I don’t want to lose what makes me me, and the mind is that. So, I gotta go to work on getting right and in shape and on track. Honestly, this is probably just a dip, but I cannot allow myself to think that way or that dip becomes a depression becomes the hole I fall into and never return.

I think I named the thing wrong. It should really be a post about dopamine and winning and losing and feeling like you are going to be losing forever. I feel like that, on occasion. I think it is a standing feeling for people of the video game generations. I think it has a lot to do with expecting rewards to come quickly or at all. It feels like a sharp contrast to being a writer where the reward of completion is constantly so very very far away. So, today I had two goals: Win a round of Apex and Finish a Chapter. I really felt the first one was low hanging fruit, but it proved tantalizingly difficult for most of the evening until right up until this blog. The reward hit of dopamine however was so low that I barely felt it coursing through my system.

The second part didn’t happen. I’m looking at it now on a second screen and lamenting my inability to get it done. Some chapters are a lot tougher to get through, and the dopamine reward for completion ought to be higher. I haven’t experienced that higher reward, but I will say moving through the tough ones make the easier ones just fly. That is a reward in of itself… one I have not earned because I am still staring at these unfinished pages.

I love writing. Hard but gratifying stuff right here.

Slow grind today.

I haven’t had it in me to be terribly productive. Butt is in chair and has been for hours. I got one project ticked off, but when I slid to the next one my productivity vanished. The movement between projects is always tough for me. It has a lot to do with gearing down and gearing back up. I shouldn’t have that problem here, because I was already spun up to do the work I am on right now. However, I find myself in a creative quandary. I think what I need to consider is the idea of being ready to roll into any of these projects. I wasn’t today and wound up flailing around until I decided I might as well write this blog.

The key to being successful on multiple projects is organization. I believe I always need to have something ready to go when I get in the chair. I am working to get better at having those things ready and to be able to roll right into whatever I need to–be it work or writing or whatever. I haven’t been so good at the organizing or the readiness. That’s coming.

Some Thoughts:

1. Mr. Ballen is a solid storyteller. It may be his voice, word choice or some combination of multiple factors, but he makes every story sound so damn interesting. That being said, I would rather watch him than listen to a podcast. There is no reason for this. All I can think is it is because I have grown used to the visuals I can look up and glance at as I continue to listen and type away on my computer as I am doing now.